Moose on the Loose
by dazzleglo
Summary: Ever wonder what would happen if Edward ate a drunk animal? Wonder no more, this story answers that question. An average hunting trip goes awry when he meets Melvin the moose after snacking on his drunk friend Harold.
1. Meeting the Moose

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but Stephenie Meyers does. I do own Melvin and the story idea.**

**Summary: **What starts out as your average hunting trip for Edward, takes a 360 turn into the Twilight Zone when he meets Melvin. One drunken talking vampire, one drunken talking moose, some reindeer and Santa, just your average evening in Forks.

This story I donated to the Toys for Tots compilation, but I will be adding to it and it will now be broken into chapters.

**Moose on the Loose**

**Chapter 1 – Meeting the Moose**

**Edward**

I knew I needed to hunt, but had been putting it off for days. I just didn't want to leave Bella's side. We were cuddling on her bed when I felt her fingers lightly tracing under my eyes. I was busted.

"Edward, when was the last time you fed? The circles under your eyes are very dark, as are your eyes sweetheart. I know that's not all lust in them," she grinned at me and I moved to kiss her fingers.

"It's been a bit, but I'm okay, really I am." Yeah, she was going to see right through that lie.

"No you're not. I don't want you starving yourself because of me. Why don't you ask Em and Jazz to go with you?"

"They just hunted a few days ago. I'll just go by myself and be back shortly." I leaned in and placed a searing kiss on her lips that left her breathless and me with some rising issues in my pants. Will I ever learn? Nope and don't care to.

"Okay."

I got up to leave, and discreetly adjusted myself, when Bella shot up out of the bed. She ran over to the window blocking my exit which confused me.

"Love?"

"I just thought I'd see you to the…er…door…window and give you a proper goodbye." She looped her arms around my neck and pressed herself against me. I tried to control myself, but that was pretty much a lost cause as I wrapped my arms tightly around her pulling her closer and crashing my lips against hers. She wriggled against me and I decided, ahh, what the hell only a few more weeks until the wedding, she has to know that I desire her.

I pulled back when I knew she needed to breathe, "That was one heck of a goodbye. I think I'd like that all the time." And hell if that wasn't the truth.

"Careful what you wish for, now get going so you can come back to bed with me," she waggled her eyebrows at me and I might have moaned.

I turned to leave out the window, when I felt her smack my ass, "Fuck," I yelped out in surprise and I heard her intake of breath with a very low, "wow sexy." Hmm, need to remember that.

She's going to be the death of me I swear. I quickly got myself out of there so I could get back to bed with my Bella as soon as possible. I smiled at that thought. I headed up into the eastward mountains figuring on getting something big so I didn't have to hunt again so soon.

I came across some deer which I had two for an appetizer. As I headed further up, I came across a large moose. I saw his eyes which look slightly glazed, weird; I guess he must be old. Didn't think moose got cataracts, huh, bet Carlisle be interested in that. Either way, I knew I had a great entrée laid out right before me. Now if I only can find a mountain lion for dessert, life would be sweet.

I stalked him in order to get the best vantage point. He didn't seem to be moving much, guess he really is old, so this is going to be merciful for him rather than suffer from who knows what before going to the great beyond. I quickly lined myself up and went in for the kill. I dropped him fast and easily, taking every drop of his life essence he had to offer. It was by far the most delicious moose I've ever had and I've had lots of moose when we lived in Alaska.

After burying the body, I began to search for a second entrée. I started running and had to slow down a bit, it was almost as if I felt dizzy. That can't be, it's impossible for a vampire to get dizzy.

I started thinking that Emmett would find this very funny and then I started giggling which turned into an all out laugh-fest which I had to sit myself down against a tree. I was trying to compose myself when I heard a voice.

"Pssfst, hey youse over dare."

"Whov's that? Where are youse?" I was starting to feel really good; I feel like dancin', dancin' 'cause I'm a dancin' machine. I hate that song why am I singing it in my head. I started laughing again.

"Melvin'zzz my name? Who'd youse?"

"I'm fl-Edward. Where dar you? Where was that voice coming from?"

"Up here in the tree? Thinks ya can help me down."

"How'd you get up there?"

"Long story."

"Okay, I'll just get up now. Hey can you give me a fl-hand, I can't seem to get up?"

"I would, but kinda stuck here Fl-Edward?"

"So now that wezze stufk here, howse ya tell me the story?"

"Well me and Harold were out ya know, just us guys. Emma is going to cut my balls off for this shit," I giggled at him.

"Whoze Emma?"

"That'd be my wife. You gotta wife?"

"No, nope, no wife, but a fiancée, soon be my wife. She's real pretty, eyes that are like pools of the finest chocolatte, beautiful long silky brown hair that I love running my fingers through. Yeah, I'd like to run my fingers all over her. I flove her so muuccch, my Bella."

"She's gonna have your balls."

"Naw, but I wouldn't mind if she fondled them some. Wonder if she'd want to suck on them. Yeah, I'd really like that, my cock too, yeah definitely that."

"You're lucky then. Emma hates Harold; he's always getting me into trouble. I should know better than to go out with him."

"Sounds like my brother Fl-Emmett. He always is doing weird shit and BIG trouble. Buttt he's a fun good guy and you'd never know it by looking at him; he's built like mountain, and do anything to protect his family. My odter bro Jasper nice guy, smart, likes to go along with Emmett sometimes, but always there if you'd need him. I flove them tons. So how'd you get up there?"

"I don't really know. One minute I was eating a ton of apples and the next I'm here in the tree. Maybe one of Santa's reindeer did this."

"You know Santa's reindeer? WOW?"

"Yeah, good friends with Blitzen, he's really cool. Some of the other's are stuck up hoity-toity, know-it-alls. I'm better than you; I'm a star because I'm on the Santa's team. Pffft, and Rudolf's wife, Clarice what a bitch nothing like the stories say. Rudy is cool, but Clarice has him by the short hairs."

"Hehehe, short hairs. So fl-airs Harold?"

"He wass down east I tink."

"OH, was he like yay big wit ten point antlers. Ifff that's him, I ate e'm, he was finger lickin' goodly de-lish, Seattle fried moose. HAHAAHAAAHHAAHA."

"Ya ate 'em? What's you?"

"I'm vampire; eat amimals, not people, we veggie family…ba-vegetarians."

"Huh, who would have thunk. You eat me?"

"Naaah, I like you. You're my friend, right?"

"Yeah, of course, I'm your friend."

"Well…Meldin…friends don't eat friends…moose are friends not foood."

"Cool Kedward. I like vampires, you're fuuunn. We can hang since Harold is dead and all."

"We can hang, I flove you, you're fun. Soo, you know Santa? Can we sing a Christmas song?"

"Yeah, I know Sssanta, big dude but strong, he can kick anyone's ass, but don't. It's Mrs. Claus you gotta watch out for; she kicked me in ass one time and that shit hurt."

"I wanna sing."

"Me too, anything but that Rudolph song."

"Yeah because he's stuck-up snob."

**A/N: Please review and receive a cookie from Santa.**

**Mina Rivera made a fabulous banner for this story. You can view it at http:/ christmaswishescompilation . blogspot . com/p/teasers .html (remove the spaces)**


	2. Hunting Edward

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but Stephenie Meyers does. I do own Melvin and the story idea.**

**Moose on the Loose**

**Chapter 2 – Hunting Edward**

**Emmett**

Jazz and I were hanging out playing a little xbox when my phone rang. Damn it was Alice. Why couldn't she leave us alone and just shop for the world.

"Hi Alice. Whatcha doin'?"

"Hey Alice, why you calling Em," Jasper yelled over.

"For heaven's sake, I called you Em because I know you're totally up for the 'I know what we're doing today.'" Hell yeah I'm totally all over it; Agent P is on the job.

"Really, so what am I doing today?"

"You're going to find Edward. Something's very wrong. I had this vision of him sitting against a tree talking to himself and it keeps fading in and out."

"He's talking to himself? Hell, I'd be talking to myself too if I was having no sex. He seriously needs to get laid." Hell we all need him to get laid.

"Whatever, just you and Jazz get yourselves over to Bella's and pick her up. She's going to have to help you guys. Then head east. Let me talk to Jazz."

"Hey sweet thing…." I just tuned them out until he was done talking.

When he hung up I asked, "You ready for this? I get the feeling this is going to be very entertaining."

"Yes, Alice was a little concerned about me wanting to pick Bella up, but I understand now. Let's go."

We headed over to Bella's and knocked on the door since that's what Alice said to do. Unlike Edward, I accept the fact that Alice knows shit and you just go with it since she'll get you to do it anyway, no use fighting, cuts into my prank planning time.

"Hey Em, Jazz, what are you guys doing here?" She looked at us with confusion.

"Alice sent us over; she had this vision of Edward…"

Bella's eyes went wide and she grabbed onto the front of my shirt shaking me as she rambled, "OMG Edward! What happened? Where is he? Hunting Accident? He's hurt? I shouldn't have let him go alone, I should've gone too! Let's go, I need to see him?" All-righty then, she's as hyper as Alice. Edward is to Bella what shopping is to Alice. Alice would be like this if the mall was on fire. She probably needs to get laid too. Only thing is she isn't holding out she wants to do the horizontal mambo.

"Hold on their sweet cheeks. No he's okay; just she had this weird vision of him talking to himself. We're going to investigate and Alice said you had to come along. She's calling Charlie to tell him that you're staying at our house tonight for a sleepover." Yeah another sleepover, maybe one day they'll be no sleeping and actually get it on.

"Okay, so who do I get to ride?" Then she blushed after realizing what she just said and I laughed which caused Jazz to laugh.

"Bella, just hop on Emmett, he needs to be ridden as much as Edward," Jazz laughed and I was shocked.

"What the hell, you're making sexual jokes now? Should I be worried you're going to be competition?"

"Not at all, that just begged for a response."

"Yeah, yeah. Bella hop on." She hopped on my back and off we flew in an eastward direction.

"You smell that Jazz?"

"Yeah, smells like moose blood. Let's follow it."

We continued in our eastward direction. After two minutes we came across an area of ground that was noticeably disturbed, but only by a very discernable vampire eye. Yeah that'd be me, the one with the eye, as in eagle eye, not a Cyclops monster. I ain't no monster.

"Jazz…that looks like…you know." I didn't really want to speak it out loud and freak Bella out.

"You mean an animal burial site from Edward's feeding?" Bella blurted out and my eyes went a little wide with concern.

"Ummm…yeah…but…" I stammered and Jazz then cut in, "Bella, Emmett didn't want you to get upset, but yes that's exactly what it is. Do us a favor and look away while I check it out."

"Why I can handle it. You know that someday I'm going to be hunting with you guys." As if Edward would actually let her hunt with us, pfft, those two will be jumping each other's bones left, right and center during a hunt. I don't think they have a clue how sexually charged a hunt can be with your mate. We tend to hide it when Edward's around.

"Yeah while that will be fun, right now not so much if Edmundo finds out we let you see it. Our ass will be grass. Just do us a solid and look away, please." I stuck out my lip and gave her the puppy dog eyes.

"Okay, okay, I understand that my nutty overprotective vampire will flip a fang. Besides I don't think your ass would look so good being grass, green's not your color," she chuckled.

"She's so right, green's definitely not your color, especially a green hairy ass, ewww," Jazz laughed.

"Ha ha you guys are a riot, now get digging Jazz and you close your eyes missy." She huffed as she turned around.

Jazz dug up the animal and sure enough it was a moose, a very large moose. I noticed him sniffing around the moose and thought that was odd.

"J-man, what are you doing?"

"Just want to be thorough. I smell Edward's venom on his neck and he's definitely drained dry. The odd thing is there is this unusual scent coming through its pores, smells like dirt. If I didn't know any better I'd say it was some type of human food spread all over its fur."

"That is weird. I mean who would spread human food on a moose?"

"Really, human food? I bet if I smell it I'll know what it is." And before I could stop her, Bella slipped away from me and was over at Jazz's side. Fucking hell Edward's going to kill us. If I'm going down, Jazz is coming with me. I don't travel the road to hell alone.

"No Bella, stop," Jazz yelled.

"Stop worrying, you're acting like two Grandpa's," she rolled her eyes at us.

"Hey, I resent that, I'm no grandpa, okay maybe old enough to be one, but still, you're the one dating a gramp-vamp."

"Yeah, guess, since he lives by gramp-like morals and all which sucks, and not in a good way."

"One little suck by you on his dick and I bet all those morals would fly right out the window like a bat out of hell. Oops, did I say that out loud?" She gaped at me and then a wicked smile came across her face. Somehow I really didn't want to know what that was all about, but yet I did, because I'm a perverted ass.

"Yeah, you kind of did," she giggled.

Bella, circled the moose sniffing and humming, but then she knelt down next to it and almost had her nose on the fur taking a few deep sniffs. Cripes, when old man vamp sees this he's going to hit the roof and get his walker in a bunch, probably beat me to death with his cane. It's times like this that it's too bad we couldn't get him drunk on some hooch. Although, Doc Holiday and Annie Es Oakley wouldn't look too kindly on my moonshining enterprise in the garage or for that matter the Chief Fuzz of Forks, also known as Charlie.

She sneezed several times and I couldn't help but laugh.

"So not funny Em, but he smells like apples. It's seriously weird, why would his fur smell like apples? Wonder if maybe apple juice spilled on him." She leaned over and was touching the smelly thing. Maybe we can knock Edward out and drag him home and we can never think about this again. Yeah, like that's ever going to happen, not likely in this timeline. This was just too funny not to think about.

Hell, now she was petting it like he was a pet and if that wasn't bad enough, she started talking to him. I couldn't help but roll my eyes and from the look on Jasper's face he was thinking the same thing. He also looked like he wanted to vomit if that were possible.

Then the talking began.

**A/N: So what do you think Bella's going to say? Who would've thought Emmett was the voice of reason? Please review and receive a cookie from Santa.**


	3. The Voice of Reason

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but Stephenie Meyers does. I do own Melvin and the story idea.**

**Moose on the Loose**

**Chapter 3 – The Voice of Reason**

**Emmett**

"You know you must've been quite the guy in your group, look at all those points on your antlers. Sorry that you ended up being dinner for Edward." I slapped myself in the forehead thinking WHAT THE FUCK! She's apologizing to a dead animal for having been Edward's meal. Holy Moley, no one would believe this if I even told them. Glad Jazz is here to witness this ultimate slide into the loony bin because they would surely think I was nuts.

I stared at Jazz and he stared at me, neither one of us having any idea what we should even say at this point. I shook my head to the side to indicate he should say something and he looked all wide-eyed at me. Did he not realize that I was not the one to really say something? I started to make all sorts of hand signals at him to get him to take the freakin' hint. Finally he did and I breathed a sigh of relief. You'd think he'd have an empathic clue with me freaking the hell out over here, jeez.

"Bella…sweetheart, um…" Jasper started. "Bella…"

Oh for Christ's sake he didn't have a clue what to say either, so what the heck; I might as well just toss myself into the pits of hell since I was already at the door and knocking. Gee just can't wait for satanic Edward to answer.

"Bella, here's the thing, it's the law of the jungle, only the strong survive. It's the circle of life." Great, now I'm going to have that song stuck in my head. Although, a little lion snack would be nice right about now or another moose. I shook my head to clear it; I need to focus on the craziness at hand.

"I know, but we should still have a moment and thank him for being what he is so that you guys can survive." She looked up at me with those doe eyes and I knew I was a gonner. How the hell did Edward deal with those eyes and have held out on sex this long?

"She has a point Emmett." So helpful Jasper.

"What do you think we should have a funeral or something? I just don't think we have time for that since we need to find Edward, you remember him, the love of your life." I waved my hands dramatically in the air. It's a sad day when I'm the voice of reason!

"I think that's a great idea Bella. It will give us all closure." My eyes went wide and I looked at Jasper like he had ten heads. CLOSURE! Closure from what, we didn't drain, eat, snack on him, whatever.

Jasper gave me the look as he tilted his head to the side indicating it was for Bella and I knew what we had to do.

"Okay, everyone join hands and we'll say a small prayer. Jasper, since I did it last time, it's your turn." There, serves him right for suggesting this.

"Not a problem. We are gathered here today to thank this wonderful moose for just being himself. Without him, we, the Cullen's couldn't survive. If Edward were here, he'd want to say that he was grateful for your contribution of blood and existence. So in conclusion, we thank you for keeping us alive."

"Bella, did you want to say anything." I seriously hope she didn't, this was clearly getting weirder by the second and to think I wasn't even the one being weird for a change. I know hard to believe, maybe I should pinch myself.

"Well…" Of course she would. "Just would like to say thank you Mr. Moose for sustaining my Edward and that you should know that I love him very much." What the hell does that have to do with anything? "Okay, I'm ready. Let's find my Edward."

"Good, now turn around while we bury him back up. As it stands now, when Edward finds out everything I'm going to be hiding behind you so you can protect me from him."

"Why would this weak human have to protect the giant vampire?" She scrunched her eyebrows in wonder.

"Have you met Edward? He's going to kill me and Jasper first and ask questions later when he finds out you witnessed this." Seriously, didn't she realize that?

"Oh, well, of course I'd protect my favorite brothers. Don't worry, you can hide behind me any time and I will take care of Edward." She declared and wiggled her eyebrows. Yeah, hope some of that taking care of included sex because then he'd forget all about us.

"Alright my favorite sister, hop on and let's get going before Alice reams us for slacking off on our mission. And if you tell Alice that I said you were my favorite sister I'll deny it, just saying, because the pixie can get downright territorial." Not to mention vindictive and I have no intention of being on the receiving end of her vindictiveness.

"Wouldn't think of it, I love you too much to let that happen." I knew that was the truth. "So Em, Jas do you think that I'll like moose when I'm changed?" Great, another subject that shouldn't be discussed if we valued what little of our lives were left.

"Probably, we all tend to like different things as our favorites, but you never know. You might love mountain lion like Edward or bear like me."

"Uhh, Jasper what's your favorite?" Yeah, Jasper spit it out before I do and you'll be sorry.

"Well…if we're being honest, there is nothing comparable to human blood, but my favorite animal is antelope. Please don't be offended by the human thing, it's just that I spent many years doing that and while I loved the taste of it, I never enjoyed having to feel the emotions of the person I was doing it to. It was really difficult for me. The day I met Alice and she told me there was another way, I didn't believe her, but soon found out she was right. After that day I never looked back. Yes, I've had some slip ups, but I don't want to ever go back to that way of living ever again and I knew I could never subject Alice to that way of living, she loves being a part of a family and so do I." Wow, I'm surprised he admitted all that. I always suspected that was the case, that his love for Alice trumped everything, just like me and Rose.

"I do understand because I love Edward just the same as you guys do your wives and would do everything in my power to be with him no matter the cost." And then she mumbled. "…maybe some sex would be nice too." I had to hold back my laughter and thought, oh yeah little bro, she's going to give you a run for your money. Once the cat is out of the bag there is no way it's going back in, did I say cat, I really meant dick out of your pants. You have no idea bro, no idea.

"Emmett do you hear that?" Jasper said bringing me out of my thoughts.

**A/N: Please review. So what do you think they are hearing?**

**Three good friends of mine, Michele, Laura and Lisa have published a New Valentine's Day Anthology, called Life is More Than Candy Hearts (The Candy Collection) and is available on Amazon www . amazon . com (remove the spaces). You should definitely check it out, I plan to.**


	4. Sounds of Silence Would've Been Better

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but Stephenie Meyers does. Nor Bobby Rivers' Walking Around in Women's Underwear song. I do own Melvin and the story idea.**

**Moose on the Loose**

**Chapter 4 – Sounds of Silence Would've Been Better**

**Emmett**

"Yeah, sounds like someone's singing, actually two someone's. Who the hell would be out here in the middle of the woods singing that's just bizarre, and I know bizarre."

"I don't hear anything." Bella said.

"You'll hear it in a moment and trust me whoever it is can't sing for shit, they sound like a moose in heat. And what in the hell is that song; I've never heard it before. The tune sounds like a Christmas song, but the words more like porn or some shit like that."

"I'm shocked Emmett, you mean to tell me you don't know every overly graphic sexual song that exists?" Jazz said quirking an eyebrow at me.

"It saddens me to say that I may have missed this one, but rest assured I will get to the bottom of it and be adding it to my repertoire."

"Yeah, I was afraid of that. You're going to torture us with it aren't you."

"Now why would you say that? You know I'm just sharing and if I recall correctly Esme is in favor of and encourages sharing." HAH! "Jazz slow down, we don't want to scare whoever they are." We should probably be more scared or should I say going to be scarred from listening.

We slowed down a bit and started to move more at a quick human pace. As we approached whoever it was, I signaled Jazz to stop so we could listen.

_Lacey things, the wife is missing._

_Didn't ask, for her permission_

_I'm wearing her clothes, her silk panty hose._

_Walking around in women's underwear._

"Hey, I wonder if Bella'd wear my underwear, fuck that'd be sexy as hell. Yeah, I'd like to see her in my black silk boxers and t-shirt. Damn I'm getting hard just thinking about it. Does Emma wear yours?"

I turned to look at Jasper and my eyes and his went wide as freakin' dinner plates. It was Edward, and he was…he said '_fuck_,' openly talking provocative and sounded drunk. I chanced a glance at Bella and she was just smiling, strange.

I whisper to Jasper, "hey that sounds like Edward and he sounds drunk. I know drunk, remember that from being human. Do you think he's talking to himself?"

He whispered back, "I don't know, let's listen a little more."

"We don't wear clothes Fl-Edward."

I whispered again, "so there is someone there with him and it sounds like they're a nudist or exhibitionist." Cripes, could this get any stranger?

_In the store, there's a teddy._

_With little straps, like spaghetti._

_It holds me so tight, like handcuffs at night._

_Walking around in women's underwear_

"I'd like Bella to wear something with sketty straps, blue silk, short, yeah some lace maybe too. She'd look fuck hot in something like that, not that she doesn't look fuck hot all the time, but that'd be even betterest. I might even have to rip it off with my teeth. Maybe she'd rip my clothes off too."

And there you go stranger just got knocked out of the ballpark into the stratosphere landing right into drunken-wacko-perv-land. Which I may or may not have visited on occasion, that'd be perv-land since I can't get drunk, and as far as wacko goes, that's the norm for me.

I heard a slight moan come from behind Jasper and I, so I glanced back to see it was Bella who was grinning like the Cheshire Cat. God help Edward, he was fantasy talking and Bella was taking detailed notes.

"Whatdda about handcuffs Fl-Edward?"

"Handcuffs, hehehe, they'd never work on me, remember me vampire."

Holy shit whoever this was knew he was a vampire. Was it another vampire? Wait a minute, I need to focus on the important thing here, Edward wants to try handcuffs! Fuck me sideways and upside down hanging in New York's harbor from the Statue of Liberty's book of justice.

I looked at Bella who was still smiling and then looked at Jasper. We both nodded to one another thinking the same thing. The boy had some kink to him.

"Let's go get him." I whispered to both of them.

_In the office there's a guy named Melvin._

"Hey, your name's…."

The three of us burst through the trees to find Edward sitting against a tree. I looked around to see who else was here and I could see Jasper doing the same. There was no one here with him, just some giant moose stuck in a tree. Alice was right, he's talking to himself.

Before we could say anything, Bella slipped between us and ran over to Edward. She straddled his lap and started kissing him all over his face.

"Oh my god Edward, I was so worried about you. Are you all right? Are you hurt? What's the matter? I love you Edward. I was so scared. I love you. Let me help you up." She rambled on.

"I'm fine my Bella, but I could use…"

"Whatever it is, just tell me."

"How about I show you," he smiled as his eyes danced with mirth.

Edward wrapped his arms around Bella, pulled her toward him and attached his lips firmly to hers. They were both moaning and getting hot and heavy, the likes of which I've never seen. Her hands were running on his shoulders, neck and into his hair while his one hand slid behind her neck and the other down her back where he cupped one of her ass cheeks. That made her moan deeply into his mouth causing him to moan as he shifted against her.

I elbowed Jasper after I realized that we were both standing there slack-jawed watching them like it was some circus sideshow. Well technically it was since we've never seen Edward so free, relaxed, oh who am I kidding, he's horny as fuck sexing Bella up. I wouldn't be surprised if his dick was knocking on his zipper demanding to be let out before he ripped through the pants to get at Bella.

When I saw his hand skimming the side of her breast, I knew we needed to get him home and into bed so he could finish this properly. I may be a sex fiend, and Edward may be a bit drunk and all, but I would never let them fuck in the woods for their first time. I know, I know, I'm definitely the best brother in the world, a real softee. I deserve a coffee mug with that printed on it. I wouldn't use if for coffee, but you do need a mug to heat up the blood in the microwave sometimes and that would be totally awesome. Hey, I'm a civilized vamp, I use utensils and shit.

Just as I was going to put a stop to the insanity I heard, "Psst, Psst."

"Did you hear that?" I poked Jasper with my elbow.

"Yeah."

"Who's there? Whoever you are, come out into the open so we can see you." I demanded.

"Pftsts, ups here in da tree. Youuuu Whooooo. Yodel lay you who, yodel lay…"

"What the hell, there's no one in a tree just a moose. Jasper do you see anyone?"

"No, but that moose looks a little strange and what the hell is he doing in a tree?"

"You're asking me? How the fuck should I know."

"If you'd ask me Fl-Emmett and Fl-Assper, I'd tell youse guys."

"WHAT THE FUCK! DID THE MOOSE JUST TALK? HOLY CRAP ON A CRACKER, HE KNOWS OUR NAMES? Jasper what do we do?" We were now both staring at said moose.

"Yup, I'm a moose and I'm on the loose, the names Melvin."

"You're asking me when you're the one who is the pro with weird. I may be married to Alice, but this is well beyond even some of the crap she's pulled." Okay, so he might have a point.

"Hey, I'm not weird, just a little tipsy." Melvin stated.

"Yeah, but how can you talk? I never heard a moose talk, did you Jasper?"

"Can't say that I rightly have Emmett, but there are more things in heaven and earth that we don't know about. Maybe he's special."

"Yep, I'm special."

"SPECIAL, SPECIAL, OH GOOD GOD, I THINK I'M GOING TO HAVE AN aneurysm." Rosie wouldn't like that. "Where are we? Did we slip into another dimension where moose can talk?"

"Why can't I talk? You're a vampire who drinks animal blood and I'm not freaking the hell out about that am I now Fl-Emmett? Technically, you shouldn't exist, but here you three are, standing next to the talking moose."

"You know he does have a point Emmett. I've seen many a strange thing in my lifetime, especially during the vampire wars. Just let it be and we never have to talk about it again. Okay?" Jasper was making sense to me, scary, very scary, he never made sense. Well to me at least.

Realizing that while I was moose-talking, the circus freaks were still at it and I looked over to see what was going on. I prayed that clothing was still intact. Thankfully it was, but Bella's hand was now in between the two of them and she was palming Edward's cock while he was feeling her up. Shit! We needed to get out of here like yesterday.

Before I could clear my throat to break the two of them apart so we could get the hell out of here, Melvin spoke up.

"Hey, I know, let's ask my Bella. She'll be able to tell us." Ut oh.

Edward detached his lips from Bella and said, "she is not your Bella, she is MY Bella, mine, mine, mine, mine. Do you understand that Meldin? She is MY Bella."

"Yes Edward, I'm your Bella and you're MY Edward." Could these two be more sickening?

"Sorry Edward, I thought that was her name."

"Isst okay Melvin, as long as we are clear. Mine." And they went back to kissing and groping.

"Alrighty then, now that that is cleared up, we need to go home."

"I like it just fine here." Bella stated as she pecked Edward's lips. I took one look at Jasper so he'd take a hint and step in here which he thankfully did.

"Bella, hun, how about we go back to the house, you know where Edward has a nice private bedroom with a very comfy bed and beautiful bathroom. Where it might be a good idea for a shower, you know the one where two people can easily fit into." Oh he's good, clearly could entice satan into visiting heaven as if he were just visiting a new neighbor to greet them to the neighborhood.

"Edward, what do you think? We could be comfy all night in your room since I'm sleeping over," she giggled.

"Maybe we won't be doing that much sleeping," He whisper-yelled wiggling his eyebrows. Yeah, someone was getting laid tonight and maybe I would too once we got the drunk home.

**A/N: Please review and receive a kiss from Drunkward! Hmmm, going home it's going to be easy right?**

**Three good friends of mine, Michele, Laura and Lisa have published a New Valentine's Day Anthology, called Life is More Than Candy Hearts (The Candy Collection) and is available on Amazon www . amazon . com (remove the spaces). You should definitely check it out, I plan to.**


	5. Vaudeville Doesn't Need a Stage

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but Stephenie Meyers does. I do own Melvin and the story idea.**

**Moose on the Loose**

**Chapter 5 – Vaudeville Doesn't Need a Stage**

**Emmett**

"Good, now that that is settled, Jasper, help me get Edward up."

"Nope, no, nope, only MY Bella, I want only MY Bella." Oh for crynout loud, even drunk he's a pain in the ass.

"No worries man, Bella's got ya." I looked at Bella giving her a wink to let her know it was okay and I'd be there to help.

I slipped in behind the tree and when she was helping him up, I quickly picked him up from the side with her so he wouldn't notice.

"Wow, see that Melvin, my Bella's strong."

"Yeah, I see that, maybe she can help me out of the tree? You're not leaving me here are you Edward?" Damn moose almost looks sad like his friend was leaving him high and dry.

"I'd like to help you Melvin, but I can't let Edward fall. Honey, put your arm around me so we can walk together."

"Of course honey. I love you. I know Emmett and Jasper can get you out of the tree, right guys."

"CRAZY-HORNY-DRUNKEN-VAMPIRE ON THE LOOSE, SAY WHAT?" We both looked at him like he asked us to stick our arm in a wolf's mouth.

"You're not going to help my bestest friend Melvin?" Edward pouted at us, POUTED! Clearly too much Alice time.

"Okay, okay, don't get all weepy on me. Come on Jazz, let's get Melvin down."

"And be careful with him. Emma will want him back."

"Who the hell is Emma?" Jazz inquired.

"His wife."

So here we were two vampires helping a drunken moose out of a tree. Now there's something I never in a million years would have thought I'd be doing. We got Melvin out of the tree and somewhat standing. I guess his legs were a little wobbly from being up there so long or the intoxication. Either way he was out of the tree and our hair. One drunk is more than enough to handle.

"Alright, now that you're down, you can go about your business. You know moose business. Whatever it is that moose do in the woods, not that I would know or anything like that since I'm not a moose. I eat moose on occasion, but not you since you're a friend." God help me I was rambling like I was drunk now.

"Noooo, we can't leave Melvin here, his wife is mad at him. He can come home with us until Emma cools down." Edward emphatically stated.

I whispered to Jasper, "is that moose pouting at us?"

"Yeah, I think so and I feel bad. We can't leave him here all alone," he whispered back. Well its official, I've seen it all. I can happily go to the great vampire heaven in the sky now which has visitation rights to all other heavens or so I'm told.

"And here I thought we might be able to make a rug out of him after we eat him." Yeah, a snack and a rug, Alice would be proud of me getting a two for one deal.

"Nooooo, moose are friends not fooood." Edward stated.

"Emmett you help Melvin as we walk back, I'm going to help Edward and Bella. We don't want Bella falling, right Edward?" Sneaky SOB, leaving me with the smelly beast, but then again Edward didn't smell so swift either.

We arrived back at the house after a lovely evening stroll through the forest as the moonlight sparkled down between the trees and a light wind wafted the scent of cherry blossoms across the land. If you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you. It was the walk from hell. One tripping moose, and one tripping Bella who took Edward with her as they fell on the ground laughing hysterically and started kissing and rolling around. It was vaudeville in the forest, Vamp-a-moose-a-rella.

Did I mention that said tripping moose must be related to Bella since not only did he trip, he took me and Jasper out with him at the same time? Yeah, we figured out after the second trip to the forest floor that when his right foot crossed to the left he was going down so were able to stop him from falling, most of the time. All I have to say that I have never spent so much time on the forest floor, well without Rose riding me.

We got Melvin settle in on the porch and Edward settled in on a bar stool at the island in the kitchen.

"Psssfts, Jasper can I have a blanket out here, it's kind of cold." Melvin asked and I had to roll my eyes. You have FUR, since when do animals of the forest use blankets! I think I need a drink, wonder where I can find a drunk moose?

"Maybe you want a pillow too." I suggested.

"Hey, that'd be real swell. You guys are the best. I love you."

"Sure, coming right up." Jasper told him like it was an everyday occurrence. And then looked pointedly at me and said, "Esme would want our guest to be comfortable." GUEST, GUEST since when did forest animals become guests and not dinner at Casa de Cullen? Okay, so it wasn't as if we had them parading through here or anything like that for an animal buffet, but still.

"Yeah and I love you too and Jasper, Bella, and Edward. Its lovefest time, how about a group hug?"

"Nah, I'm too comfy to move. Who's Esme?" Melvin said.

"Esme's our mom of sorts and Carlisle's our dad, he's a doctor. My wife's name is Rose and Jasper's wife is Alice." I must be a nut; I'm explaining our family dynamics to a moose.

"Edward's got a great family."

"I'm kind of thirsty." Bella said which thankfully squashed the family talk.

"I'll get it for you my love." Yeah him roaming the kitchen not such a good idea. Didn't want to have to clean up any disasters.

"No, Edward, I'll get it for Bella, you stay there and kiss her or something maybe give her breasts a massage. She tends to like that a lot especially from you. And it's good after such a long walk, loosens them up. Don't want them to cramp or get a charlie horse." Well that sounded plausible, hmm, hanging with Carlisle has its advantages.

"You'd like that my love?" Bella moaned and shook her head yes and that was all the confirmation he needed. You can thank me later lil sis.

As I was rummaging in the fridge for a drink, I heard Rose and Alice walked into the house. Good, some more help to get us through this crazyfest. Although, I think Bella could use some more crazy. Yup totally, so I added a little something extra into her orange juice. What the heck, it's not like she'd be seduced or anything because the seducer doesn't get seduced by the seducee.

**A/N: Please review; every time I get an email review alert it makes my day!**

**Three good friends of mine, Michele, Laura and Lisa have published a New Valentine's Day Anthology, called Life is More Than Candy Hearts (The Candy Collection) and is available on Amazon www . amazon . com (remove the spaces). You should definitely check it out, I plan to.**


	6. Moose Breath

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but Stephenie Meyers does. I do own Melvin and the story idea.**

**Moose on the Loose**

**Chapter 6 – Moose Breath**

**Jasper**

HOLY SHIT ON A SHINGLE! If anyone would have told me I'd be helping, talking and becoming friends with a moose I'd send them to Carlisle to seek some professional help. This was beyond insane. Emmett was even a little freaked out and that's saying a lot.

Did I mention the moose talked back to us! Edward was drunk as the lord and getting it on with Bella too!

I retrieved the blankets and pillows for Melvin, yeah got to make the moose comfortable after all, because that's just normal. After I got him all set up, I heard Alice and Rose come into the house. Good more people to help us out with the drunks.

I swooped in and grabbed my wife into my arms, "my sweet thing, I missed you. I love you."

"I missed you too." Our lips met and I was home. It was soft and loving, no rushing. That was, of course, until Rose screamed.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ON THE PORCH!"

I pulled my lips from Alice and said, "that's Melvin, Edward's friend, our houseguest. Why don't you go out and introduce yourself." Yeah, that didn't sound too strange.

"Jasper what in the hell are you talking about?" Rose inquired and Alice looked to me for an explanation. Great.

"Okay, long story short. Edward went hunting, ate Harold who is Melvin's friend, Melvin and Harold got drunk from eating fermented apples, Edward is drunk from eating Harold, Melvin got stuck in a tree, we helped him out, we had a moose funeral for Harold and now Melvin is sleeping it off on our porch because he can't go home since his wife Emma is pissed at him. Any questions?" God I hope not.

"Edward's drunk?" Alice asked and of all the things I just said that's what she selected? Weird, but then again this whole evening has been nothing but weird.

"Look for yourself." I pointed at Bella and Edward who were lip locked, not to mention he was sitting with her in his lap and her legs were firmly wrapped around him. And, his hands were massaging her ass, and breasts thanks to Emmett. Alright, so I may be tossing a little lust at them too. Hey, it's what any good brother would do for his sister. I knew she didn't mind in the least and apparently not Edward either.

"Huh, I guess that's why my visions of him were off." I couldn't believe it, horndog and horndogette were groping one another and ready to drop and go for it at any moment in the kitchen, in front of everyone and she's talking about her visions, seriously!

It was just then that I realized Emmett was suspiciously quiet. The dude was never quiet. I look up at him and he was grinning like nobody's business while trying to stifle a laugh. Hmmm, time to have some fun with brother bear and break him.

"Yes, and you should know that Emmett and Melvin have bonded too. They're BFF's."

"Emmett is this true, have you bonded with dinner?" Rose inquired and I snickered.

"First of all, dinner has a name, its Melvin and Edward made us promise not to eat him, something about moose being friends. Secondly, he's Edward's BFF, I'm only the BF. Finally, he's a very cool moose, more klutzy than Bella." Damn the guy can think on his feet, and they say he's not gifted. He's got a silver tongue.

"Well, when you were rolling around the forest floor with Melvin, that's not what I thought." Talk your way out of that one.

"If I recall correctly, it wasn't my lips that were on Melvin. I'd be careful Alice, Jasper's probably got Moose Breath."

"What the hell are you talking about; the klutzy moose fell and hit my face. I didn't put my lips on him, nor him on me. I don't go around randomly kissing moose. If you don't believe me go ask him and ..." Hell, now I'm defending myself against bestiality.

"I should hope not, I prefer that you kiss just me and your breath seems just fine." Alice stated with a glare to Emmett and I couldn't agree more.

"Of course my lovely, there is no other for me." I stated emphatically.

"Hey Rose, Pffsst Alice. How you doin'?" Melvin said which almost sounded suggestive, like that TV show guy Joey. I thought for sure that Emmett would flip, but he just laughed it off.

"Alice, is he talking to us?" Rose was all wide-eyed and on the verge of a freak-out of epic proportions.

"Yeah, I think so. This is so strange. Let's go talk to him."

I watched as my wife and Rose walked arm-in-arm slowly outside to Melvin. They behaved as if they were approaching something they feared. Talk about chicken-ass vampires. It would have been almost comical if it was any other night and I just didn't walk several miles with a talking, tasty looking and smelling, tripping moose that I was not allowed to eat.

"Hi…Melvin, I'm…Rose and…this is Alice."

"Oh you're Emmett's wife. You sure are beautiful. And, you must be Jasper's wife and you're quite beautiful too." Damn suave talking moose, who would have ever thought, maybe he's a vampmoose. Yeah, that'd explain it because we vamps are sauvé.

"So, how do you know…us…I…mean we haven't met have we?" Oh darlin' obviously not, if you met, you'd have eaten him! I had to hold back my laughter that Rose was stuttering. Emmett, however, wasn't doing so well.

"When I was talking to Edward, Jasper and Emmett. I flove them, they're great and you guys seem to be too.

"Okay, nice to meet you Melvin. We'll let…you…rest. See you in the morning."

"Alright, talk to you two in the morning." Melvin said and Rose just looked like she wanted to run for the hills.

"So ladies, everything okay?" I grinned knowing everything was not okay.

"Oh yeah, everything is just fine and dandy. My husband is a BF with a moose that talks, and that's only because my brother is his BFF! And to top it all off, I was hit on by an ANIMAL!" Rose exclaimed while waving her hands in the air.

"Hey Rosie, I'm no animal."

"Emmett, not you, MELVIN!"

"What? Melvin, no more hitting on my wife, she's MINE." Emmett stated and I thought about it, he did hit on Alice too.

"Yeah Melvin, Alice is MINE, so she's off limits." Had to defend my territory without body tackling Alice to the ground to protect what was mine. The urge was strong to toss myself around her.

"Alright you guys, geez, don't get your antlers in a bunch. You're worse than Santa and his wife. A few compliments and you're all crazy."

"Yeah, right, should've made a rug out of him," I mumbled.

**Emmett**

When I heard that I almost fainted! "Wait a minute, you know Santa, THE SANTA, the one that lives at the North Pole Santa?"

"Sure, he's a totally awesome dude and his wife Anna is gorgeous." Clearly Melvin had problems hitting on the ladies. Better keep his paws off mine or I will eat him no matter what I promised Edward.

"He knows Blitzen and Rudolph too, but Rudoph's not so much fun." Edward said which kind of shocked me that his lips actually left Bella's for two seconds.

"So then you can ask him why he doesn't visit us and leave presents. I'm a good vampire, okay most of the time I'm good, but Carlisle and Esme are so good, they reek of goodness. It just oozes out of them all over the place."

"Okay, I'll give them a call later."

"Great, you're totally my BFF."

"WHAT THE HELL EMMETT? And who am I, chopped liver?" Need to do some damage control here with possessive crazy wife.

"Wait…what…no…you're my Rosie, my honeybunch, sweetheart, you're so much more than just a plain old BFF, pffft pleeeeeze. You're my BFFAEAEUTEOT," I gave her my trademark dimply smile to suck her in and I could see it was working. Yeah, I'm too cute for words. Hmmm, I'd like that on a coffee mug too.

"What is the world is a BFFFEAEUTEOT?"

"That would be 'Best Friends Forever and Ever and Ever Until The End of Time.'"

It only took Rosie one second to wrap her arms around me and tackle me to the ground placing kisses all over my face.

"My sweet, sweet darling, I love you." Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

"I love you too."

After kissing Rosie one more time, I knew what needed to be done to get this show on the road. I stood up with Rose wrapped around me like a piece of tinsel on Christmas tree branch and looking over at Bella and Edward.

"You know you guys could really use a shower, you smell funky."

"Hey my Bella doesn't smell, she's beautiful." Hmmm, I need to use Jasper's tack.

"Well you kind of do Bella, not to mention you have some stuff in your hair, you too Edward." Alice stated giving them the bitch brow. I smiled thinking, I love ya Ali.

"Oh such a shame to let that nice huge two person shower go to waste in Edward's bedroom, maybe another time."

Bella whispered to Edward, "you know, a nice hot shower might be nice." Yeah, you turn down those doe eyes buddy.

"Hmmm, it would definitely be a waste, my love; I've always wanted to use it with you. Let's go," Edward whisper yelled.

"Okay, let me just finish my juice."

Bella raised the glass and drank down the last bit and then turned to me to ask, "Hey Emmett what was this juice, it was excellent."

"Oh it wasn't juice that was a drink called sex on the beach." Her mouth fell open and then she blushed. Oh yeah lil sis you totally want to have sex on the beach or any surface for that matter.

"You're getting my Bella drunk?"

"No, not at all, she just needed a little something to feel…free." You're free for takeoff into Edward-land.

"I'm not drunk, Edward, but I can't say that I don't feel free. Pffft, let's go, I hear there is a nice shower upstairs, it may not be the beach, but…," Bella giggled.

Yeah, that put him at ease one, two, three, amazing. If Bella says it's okay, it's like god has descended the mountain and spoken or it might be the drink, either way, I like drunk Edward, he's so much more pliable.

"Okay, my love."

Edward got up and let Bella slip to her feet. She wobbled a little, but not much, she was surprisingly steady. As they walked out arm-in-arm, Edward's shoulder grazed the corner of the wall and some of the plaster fell off.

We heard them walking up the stairs, then there was a crunch and an 'oops.' Yeah, that can't be good, but hey, it wasn't me so I didn't care. I couldn't help but laugh.

Rose turned to me and said, "so my dear, up for a little showering too?"

"HELL YES! Let's just wait until frick and frack get upstairs, don't want to spook them." As if I'd turn that down, even though I wanted to listen in a little more, you know because I'm a perv, but I wasn't turning down sex with my Rosie. Besides, I was more worried about them falling over and taking us down with them.

"We'll see you guys in a bit, we're going out for a snack." Alice said.

"Alice, why don't you just say it out loud that the two of you are going out to get your freak on since Jasper over there is so pent up with lust he's about the explode from being around Bella and Edward?"

She huffed and replied, "fine, we're going out so we can fuck our brains out, happy?"

"Totally, now was that so hard," I grinned and the two of them took off.

There was more laughing and a crunching sounds. Damn, wonder if the house is going to survive those two. After we heard the door close Rose and I headed to our room at top speed for a little showering of our own. Yeah, perv remember!

**A/N: **Please review because Jasper needs some support after kissing a moose!

Three good friends of mine, Michele, Laura and Lisa have published a New Valentine's Day Anthology, called Life is More Than Candy Hearts (The Candy Collection) and is available on Amazon www . amazon . com (remove the spaces). You should definitely check it out, I plan to.

Here are some rec's of stories that I am reading that are either funny or fluffy, sometimes both, no heavy angsty stuff:

1. Realistic Love by nails233 which I co-write with her.

2. A boy, A girl, and a couple of Kilts by ladyeire3

3. Fan Fiction, Sex Gods and Single Girls by bannerday

4. Prince Charming Syndrome by mathisson

5. Bella Swan: The June Cleaver Experience by taylorishotterthanrob


	7. A Shower for Two

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but Stephenie Meyers does. I do own Melvin and the story idea.**

**Moose on the Loose**

**Chapter 7 – A Shower for Two**

**Edward**

I've never felt more relaxed in my life and I have my beautiful Bella in my arms. Once I got the bedroom door closed which was difficult for some reason, I scooped her up into my arms and spun us around while kissing her sweet lips. Unfortunately, my balance is a bit off and we ended up in a heap on the floor. I couldn't help but laugh right along with Bella.

"Edward, oh god, you feel so good. I could lie on top of you all day long." She wiggled on me as my hand slid down to cup her ass cheeks pulling her against me for some friction which caused a groan to escape. I need some relief; my cock's been hard as a rock for hours.

"I know, and I say we get in the shower so I can help you with that relief."

"Fuck, I said that out loud? I just said Fuck. Fuck. You're not offended?"

"No, not at all, it's actually quite hot." Well, okay then, I'll just go with it. "Now, let's get you undressed." I like the sound of that.

Bella reached for my buttons, got two undone, but she was having some difficulty. She muttered, "screw this," and I gasped when she pulled at my shirt ripping the buttons off. Hmm, well two can do that and I grabbed her shirt and did the same for which I was rewarded with a sweet smile.

I slid the shirt gently down her arms exclaiming, "you are so gorgeous. Your skin is so smooth," I moved my hands over her warm newly exposed skin making her shiver with delight.

"See something you like Mr. Cullen? Because I certainly do." She crooked her finger at me and I sat up so she could remove my shirt. The feel of her fiery little hands sliding down my arms was heavenly. When the shirt was off, she moved those fiery delights right back to my chest to continue their exploration.

"Absolutely, this lacey thing is quite lovely, but it needs to go." How I loved lace, but naked breasts were definitely better.

"Yes, I can see that," she leaned over to my ear and whispered, "bite it off, I know you want to." No need to tell me twice. I leaned over; bit both straps and the center of the bra so it fell away from her body. I moaned at the sight of her pink buds and was fascinated how they began to pucker.

Bella grabbed my hands and slid them up to her breasts. My god they were soft as a cloud and when I ran my thumbs over the buds they puckered even more. Amazing.

"Yes, Edward, oh that feels so good, more." She exclaimed throwing her head back. I was happy to oblige, I leaned my lips down and took one of the buds in my mouth while massaging the other. Bella wiggled and pressed herself down on me. I could feel her hot core radiating on my cock and he stood up even more in his confined space.

I moved my lips to the other side to give equal attention to my new favorite play things. And, once again she pressed down. _'Big Ed there you are we need to free you.'_ And her hands moved down undoing my belt and popping the buttons on my jeans.

I looked up, "Big Ed?"

"I…umm…I didn't say anything."

"But I heard…OMG, that was in your head…you let me in…how?"

"Oh…I don't know…you don't mind that I named him?" She blushed and right now I really can't seem to care that she named him.

"I like the name, he is big and all yours," I grinned as I undid her pants while watching her sparkling eyes, "hmm I think we need to move to get these off."

I moved us up and realized we needed to get our shoes off. I lifted one foot to get one off and almost fell over. I tried again with the same result.

"Here, let me." Bella went down to her knees and I groaned at the sight. She quickly untied each of them. "Now hold onto my shoulders and lift one foot at a time." I did what she asked and soon my shoes and socks were off. We did the same with Bella's since she almost fell over too.

I grabbed her up in my arms kissing her softly. She wrapped her legs around my waist, and I walked us to the bathroom. I bumped into something on the way wondering when that moved over there.

I sat Bella on the vanity, giving her one more peck on the lips before moving over to turn the water on in the shower. Coming back to her, I settled myself in between her spread out legs, kissing her neck, jaw and collar bone.

Bella's hands slipped down into my pants and grabbed my ass to pull me in closer. I relished the feeling of her all over me. She then pushed my pants to the ground which I kicked off, just leaving me in my black silk boxers.

"My turn my sweets," I stepped back and quickly rid the offending jeans that were hiding those exquisite legs. I gulped in a breath when I saw the matching blue lace thong. Thank you Rudi Geinrich. Emmett was right; the thong is man's best friend. Now Emmett's thoughts don't seem to be so gross when they are presented to me live and in person with my goddess as a model.

"You want to take them off with your teeth?" she seductively whispered.

A growl rumbled up my chest escaping, "I would love to," shit it's my dream come true and maybe she'll buy a truck load for me.

"My dream too. I'll order them in the morning." Damn, did I speak that out loud? Surely not, no time to consider it, have a thong to decimate. And decimate it I did.

I leaned back licking my lips taking in the sight of her almost bare pussy. My eyes went wide when I realized that she had my initials in script designed into her remaining hair. I reached out and traced my finger over the E and then the C, "MINE." My chest rumbled.

Looking into her eyes, "you never cease to amaze me or take my breath away." But then I thought who was looking at what was mine. No I had to control myself, Carlisle told me this might happen.

"I was hoping you'd like it. I did it myself." Well that was certainly a relief.

"No I don't like it, I LOVE IT," I emphatically stated and crashed my lips to hers.

I felt her fingers dip into the waistband of my boxers, and Big Ed was practically chomping at the bit to get out. He didn't have long to wait, the elastic stretched forward and they were pushed down. I quickly kicked them off, but not before he bounced against my stomach and her thigh.

Bella gasped, "Wow Big Ed is HUGE," Yeah, me and Big Ed were smiling, our woman said we were HUGE.

Those fiery fingers reached down and tentative stroked up his shaft. I sucked in a breath through my teeth. "That…that…feels so good," I breathed out. Then the fire circled my tip and I let out a hiss, "Fuck."

"You're so…the… skin is soft…velvet like…the velveteen rabbit. Maybe that's what I should really call him." Oh god no, Emmett hears that and I'll never live it down. "But then again, I like Big Ed because I plan to toss it in Emmett's face. Okay, maybe not toss, but you know brag." The evil glint in her eye told me we'd be torturing him.

"Hmmm, I'm totally on board with the bragging plan, and so is Big Ed." He likes that a lot.

"Good, cause I like it a lot too." Hmm, she definitely heard my thoughts, but who cares, I'm naked with my goddess.

Picking my goddess up, she wrapped her legs around me and I stepped us into the shower. _Edward feels so warm, it makes my body tingle._ Hell, I can hear her thoughts. Just as I was going to step us into the stream of water Bella shifted and Big Ed grazed her hot center and I momentarily lost balance. My arm shot out in front of me and hit the tiles, "Ooops," I smiled at Bella hoping she wouldn't freak that I just cracked some tiles.

"We can replace that easily. Now, come here and let me wash your hair." Sliding down my body to stand up, she then leaned back to grab the shampoo. Squeezing a dollop into her hand she motioned me to move my head down.

Alternating rubbing fingers and scraping nails into my scalp was absolutely the most sensual feeling ever. Well, that was before I felt her lips kissing my chest. My eyes rolled back in my head and I closed them to enjoy the sensations.

Her hands were skimming my hips and legs with some gentle squeezing of my ass. I felt myself start to purr. The heat and wet from the shower were swirling around my cock, but a shower never did that before. When I opened my eyes I had to shock of my life. Bella was perched on her knees with my cock in her mouth. I fell back on the tile floor from the shock.

"Edward, you okay?"

"Yes, just that felt…so…um good…and seeing you with my eyes just unbalanced me for a moment."

"Okay, stay there, this will be better." She slowly crawled forward as if she was stalking her prey, yeah that'd be me, the stalked, the prey and I loved it. The purr started again.

Her eyes never left mine and when she reached me; her tongue darted out licking me from base to tip. I purrowled as Emmett would say, something between a purr and growl. He said it happened to him when he was getting his cock sucked. Forget the perv and focus on the goddess in between your legs about to suck your cock.

Twirling her tongue around my tip one more time before she plunged down and took me in as far as she could, and using her hand on what wouldn't fit, yeah we were HUGE, she worked my shaft and tip several times before popping it out and then taking my balls into her mouth and sucking on them.

"FUCK, FUCK, yes, god yes, more, more," I had no idea what I was even asking for at this point.

Moving back up the heavenly wet heat was once again sucking me down and I was spiraling into the abyss of pleasure like I've never known could exist. I felt my balls tighten and myself release what seemed to be like stream upon stream. When I finally came back down from my euphoria I was greeted by a giant smile.

"My god Bella, I feel like a boneless jellyfish, so sated, relaxed, I tingle all over." Then I realized with horror, she swallowed. "Love are you okay, from you know…me…umm…releasing.."

**A/N: **Please review and I'll send Edward over for a shower after I'm done with him of course, but he'll need another since he's a dirty boy. So do you think Edward is going to totally freak out?

Three good friends of mine, Michele, Laura and Lisa have published a New Valentine's Day Anthology, called Life is More Than Candy Hearts (The Candy Collection) and is available on Amazon www . amazon . com (remove the spaces). You should definitely check it out, I plan to.

Here's a story I'm reading that's funny with a little bit of serious tossed in for good measure. Arrogant Prezward that always gets his way has met his match when a pissed off Bella tosses a Jimmy Choo at him.

The Presidential Treatment by smmiskimen www . fanfiction . net/s/7772455/1/ (remove spaces)


	8. My Brand of Heroin: Sex

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but Stephenie Meyers does. I do own Melvin and the story idea.**

**Moose on the Loose**

**Chapter 8 – My Brand of Heroin: Sex**

**Edward**

"I'm more than okay. Edward, you tasted so good, I want to do it every day. I don't think I'll ever get enough of you or that." I smiled at her declaration because that was something I wanted again and again. Emmett was right, it was an indescribable pleasure.

"Me too, but now my goddess, I think I've waited for my dessert long enough." I kissed her firmly on the lips before placing her on the shower bench. I hooked her legs over my shoulders and kissed my way up her legs, behind her knees to the Promised Land.

I kissing the letters E and C I let out a growly "mine" each time as I looked into her lust filled eyes.

"Yours, always yours." Bella affirmed and the beast in me purrowled in response.

Flattening my tongue, I took one long lick up through her folds and then swirled the tip of my tongue on her clit. Her flavor was delicate and delicious, just like I knew it would be. Nothing could have ever prepared me for that heady experience.

"OH GOD YES, MORE." She was starting to sound like me, when I was being pleasured.

Carefully, I place the tip of my finger into her, "OH" that was my cue and I slid it in more, than back out while my tongue blissfully whirled around her clit. Adding a second finger, I would curl them each time they entered her careful not to break the barrier. I would not deny Big Ed that right.

"YES, YES, OOO, YES. Almost there. OOOO Edward, you are my god. I'm going to cum." She grabbed onto my hair, but what she said was music to my ears, I was doing this, it was all me.

"Cum for me my Bella, cum for me." I sucked lightly on her clit and she came apart shaking and screaming my name, "EDDDDWAAARDDD." Nothing in this world sounded better than having my name screamed.

I looked deeply into her eyes, removing my fingers from my honey pot; I lifted them up to my lips and sucked her nectar from them never losing eye contact. As I continued to purrowl, she reached out and pulled my face to her and kissed me deeply.

"You, Edward, are my magic fingered god. And..and…ugh…your tongue…should be insured by Lloyd's of London for a zillion dollars."

"As should your lips, legs…ah heck everything on you should be insured."

"Damn Edward, you're…getting…fuck…you're…hard?"

I couldn't help the smile that crept onto my face, "vampire perk, quick recovery."

"Holy shit, I'm the luckiest girl on the planet." Her eyes were sparkling and she bit her lip. "So, since you're 'UP' let's finish showering. I remember some talk about a nice bed and not much sleeping," she giggled.

"My insatiable little minx, I love you."

"I love you too and I think I'm not the only one who's insatiable." Her eyes flicked down to my cock and back to me where I was grinning at her statement. Yeah, I admit it, I was horndog. I couldn't help it; I'd never get enough of my brand of heroin.

I got us upright and quickly soaped us up, paying special attention to my two new toys, rinsed and got out of there and into fluffy towels to dry off.

I dried my body and then my hair when I heard an intake of breath. I peek through the towel to see Bella stepping towards me. I tossed the towel to the side and she slipped her arms around my neck pressing her body against me. Leaning over I captured her lips with mine and felt us moving. Bella was directing me out of the bathroom and to the bed.

We twisted and turned as we kissed and finally made it to the bed where we flopped onto it with Bella on top of me. I heard something crack and wondered what Emmett broke now, but that thought was blown out of my head when Bella wrapped her hot hand around my hardened length.

"Fuck yes," I purrowled and flipped her over so she was under me and her legs wrapped around my waist.

Zipping us up to the top of the bed, Bella kissed and nibbled on my jaw as I placed her head on the soft downy pillows. With all the movement, Big Ed was bobbing up and down her volcanic wet folds. "Shit, I need to be inside you Bella."

"I need you inside me Edward, now."

I dipped my finger inside her honey pot and moaned at the slickness, "god you're so wet."

"Only for you Edward." MINE the beast yelled.

I removed my finger and lined myself up. Slowly inch by glorious inch, I made my way into the golden tunnel of love stopping to check that Bella was okay. I was breathing heavy with the feeling of her surrounding my rod of love. It was nothing I could ever compare it to, nor would I try. I looked into her eyes and all I saw there was love and adoration.

She nodded her head and said, "I love you Edward, I want YOU."

That's all I needed, I moved forward and stopped at heaven's gate and said, "I love you Bella, I know this is going to hurt, I love you."

"I know." Capturing her lips with mine, I kissed her deeply and pushed forward breaking through into our heaven together. Bella gasped and I stilled. I knew she needed to catch her breath and would let me know when I could move. I could feel her pulsing around my length and it took all my concentration not to move and rut her like an animal.

I took several deep breaths of my own and finally she said, "I'm okay, Edward I'm okay, move."

"God Bella, you're so tight, the heat is incredible." I declared as I slowly moved in and out of our heaven, and it was heaven.

"Faster Edward," I immediately complied putting my hands on the headboard. "Yes, god Edward, you feel so good, aaah, fuck." I pumped in and out of her faster and faster, her legs tightened around me and I wasn't going to last with all the sensations and heat surrounding me.

"Bella, I'm going to cum. Cum with me my Bella, cum with me." I reached down and pinched her clit which caused her tunnel of love to spasm and contract on my cock. One more push, my balls tightened, I twitched, Bella clamped down on me and milked my love juice into her. I collapsed onto the bed beside her just holding her in my arms.

"Edward, that was…was beyond anything I could imagine…the best thing EVER." I smiled as she nuzzled my nose.

"I know what you mean; I can't even describe how wonderful that was. I want to do that every day, several times a day, maybe all day long." Is this what Emmett meant?

"Me too, let's do it again, now. How's your recovery? A few more minutes?"

"GRRRRR, my tigress, all you need do is ask and I'm hard for you." If that wasn't the truth nothing was.

"I love when you purr and growl. It's so sexy, makes me all wet for you."

So I may have purrowled on purpose a few times and I saw Bella rubbing her thighs together. Who would have thought that turned her on so much, but then again everything about her turned me on. Hence why I wear my button down shirts untucked to hide my...problem that arises when around Bella.

"MMMMM." Bella rolled me onto my back and took control riding my love stick. I had no idea how much I would enjoy this position until I realized that my two favorite toys were prominently on display and in easy reach for my viewing and playing pleasure. Her leaning back and having her hair tickle my thighs was also an unexpected treat, but when her hand moved and fondled my balls, I couldn't hold on any longer. I reached down with one hand twirling her swollen nub and on her next slide down my stick, she squeezed my stick and we both became undone.

After a few more rounds of love making, we both started yawning. "Tired love, I know I am."

"MmmHmmm."

"Come my love, let's get under the covers and take a little break."

Bella snuggled up against me and we intertwined our legs. I could get used to this skin-on-skin sleeping.

**A/N: **Reviews make me feel all snuggly, so please leave one and maybe Edward will snuggle with you.

Three good friends of mine, Michele, Laura and Lisa have published a New Valentine's Day Anthology, called Life is More Than Candy Hearts (The Candy Collection) and is available on Amazon www . amazon . com (remove the spaces). You should definitely check it out


	9. I Wanna Ride You

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but Stephenie Meyers does. I do own Melvin and the story idea.**

**Moose on the Loose**

**Chapter 9 – I Wanna Ride You**

**Carlisle**

Esme and I were out for our monthly two night hunting trip. Okay, so not so much hunting as sexing up my wife, but I make no apologies, we live with Emmett, nuff said.

We currently were lying in a field of flowers wrapped around one another with the moon glowing overhead waiting for the sunrise.

"Oh Carlisle, I love you so much."

"As I love you my Essie." I placed loving kisses on her lips.

It wasn't long before the sun started coming over the horizon and I blew out a sigh. I loved our time alone, but I knew my Essie missed the children. Well they weren't children per say, but they were ours and we loved them to pieces. I just hoped our home wasn't in pieces like last month when Emmett decided to play vampire/human/werewolf shuffleboard in the house. Apparently, you had to slide across the floor and land on the numbers and someone else could come along and knock you out of the way just like regular shuffleboard except instead of a puck it was bodies. It never ceases to amaze me the things he comes up with and the damage that ensues.

"Carlisle, I hate having to leave our little bubble, but I miss the kids."

"I know sweetheart. You worry about Bella and Edward."

"Yes, I can't help it, he's my baby boy and no matter how old he gets, he'll always be that and Bella, well I love that she needs me. I've never felt so needed, nor did I know how much she wants it."

"My dear, you are and will always be needed by all the kids. They love you irrevocably and see you as their mother. Even though Edward tries to hide it, I see it in his eyes when he looks at you."

"Really?"

"Really. Come on, let's get dressed." And with one more kiss, we quickly dressed. I reached for her hand and she was standing there with a cute smile on her face, hands behind her back and slightly twisting her body. This was odd.

"Essie?"

"Ummm…I…can…I…" I moved in front of her and placed my hands on her hips.

"Essie, what is it? What would you like; you know I deny you nothing." I caressed her cheek with my hand.

"You'll think I'm silly."

"No I won't, nothing is silly." Nothing she could say would be silly in my world.

"Well, I'd like to ride on your back…to know…how it feels."

My eyes went wide, "you always like to run. May I ask what brought this on?" This was certainly odd.

"II…I…I overheard Bella talking to Alice. She was saying how exhilarating it was and thought…you know…"

I smiled, "I think I would like that very much. I know Edward does, I saw him smirking one time after Emmett was ribbing him about Bella riding him. So why not? Come on, hop on Essie."

Essie hopped on and I took off for home. The giggling and having her burrowing into and kissing my neck were wonderful. No wonder Edward loved this, and to think the dog couldn't share this with his dear old dad. Definitely have to have a chat with him later about sharing.

We arrived home and Essie slipped off my back. I pulled her around for one last quiet kiss; since our house was still standing there was no need to rush inside.

"I love you Carlisle, now let's go inside so I can see my babies." And let's not forget about seeing whatever damage has been done too.

"Of course my dear."

We entered the house and there seemed to be an odd smell. I looked at Essie and she shrugged her shoulders. Moving into the living room nothing was out of place which was good, but when we looked up at the staircase, we gasped.

"What in the world?" There was a giant hole in the wall and some indentations on the way up the stairs.

"I don't know, let's go into the kitchen since that tends to be where usually all the damage resides." We passed through the dining room and alcove and nothing was wrong there, but when we came to the kitchen, there was a huge chunk taken out of the edge of the wall.

"Well Essie, other than the walls, nothing looks out of place and that can all be easily repaired." Clearly Emmett was on his best behavior. This is the least amount of damage we've seen to date.

I continued to look around the kitchen when I heard a muffled scream escape my wife. I was at her side instantly and staring out the glass doors, but didn't see anything.

"What is it?" She pointed and I followed her finger. Oh dear god in heaven.

"Emmett McCarty Cullen you get your ass down here this instant," she whispered so she wouldn't wake Bella.

**A/N: **Please review. So what has Emmett done now?

Thanks to everyone who has favorited and alerted this story. It makes me all kinds of happy.


	10. Not Mine, Not Me

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but Stephenie Meyers does. I do own Melvin and the story idea.**

**Moose on the Loose**

**Chapter 10 – Not Mine, Not Me**

**Carlisle**

Emmett flew into the kitchen looking…well looking like nothing was going on, sated, happy, smiling. Rose followed behind him along with Jasper and Alice. Odd, they never came when he's being called out; clearly something's going on here.

"What's up momma-seeta and papa-seeta?"

"Don't you momma-seeta me mister. Youuu…you…you…left your dinner scraps on my porch and tried to cover it up with my good comforter and pillows. And let's talk about all the wall damage here and on the staircase."

"Hmmm, I could see how you'd think that this was me, but the holes in the wall are from Edward."

"Don't you dare blame my baby boy for that." Oh no, here it comes.

"Ahhh, but aren't I your baby boy too." He pouted at us, god I hate when he does that because now he's going to get all weepy.

"Yes, but…okay, but what about that out there?" The others were trying to hold back their smiles and laughter. Seriously, what in the world is going on here?

"Hey I'm not 'a that.'" I heard the talking come from behind me.

"Emmett, how did you do that? Your lips didn't even move?" I inquired.

"I said nothing that was Melvin."

"Who the hell in Sam Hill is Melvin?" Was he now making things up, he needs some psychiatric help. Maybe I need to take some psych courses next time since there aren't many vamp psychiatrists. Okay, so there were no vamp psychiatrists. The others were now snickering. Something is definitely going on here.

"I'm not sure what you all find so funny, mind sharing?" I looked at Alice, Jasper and Rose.

"Oh no, this is definitely Emmett's area of expertise. We wouldn't think about intruding on it or sunning on his parade. Emmett, go ahead." Alice encouraged waving her hand.

"Emmett?"

"Alright, but no freaking out papa smurf and smurfette or running out of the room until I'm finished. And all questions will be answered at the end of the story."

"We promise, now get on with it."

"That out there is not leftovers and NOT MINE, its Melvin, Edward's friend. Jasper made him comfortable since mom taught us how to treat guests. Melvin and his friend Harold were out partying, ate fermented apples and got drunk. Edward ate Harold and became intoxicated. Alice sent us looking for him since she had a weird vision. We had a moose funeral for Harold because Bella made us. We then found him talking to and singing with Melvin. We tried to get him to come home, but he wouldn't leave Melvin because Emma was pissed at him and he couldn't go home. Emma's his wife. We helped Melvin out of the tree he was stuck in and then walked or in some human/vampire/moose's cases tripped home."

"What do you mean Melvin is Edward's friend?" Esme asked and I had to wonder of all that Emmett said that's what she picked up on.

"Well he's Edward's BFF; they were laughing and singing up a storm when we got there. We were also told that Moose are friends not food or some weird shit like that so we couldn't eat him. Go, ask Melvin yourselves." Jasper confirmed waving in the direction of the porch.

"Alright." Esme said and turned back to said moose, "so it's Melvin, right? Would you care to comment on this?" She inquired while clinging tightly to me.

"It's just like Emmett said. Edward and I got a bit drunk, unfortunately Harold didn't make it, but Edward promised not to eat me. You're really pretty Esme."

"WHAT THE FUCK, stop hitting on my wife!"

"HOLY SHIT, daddy-o you cursed!" Emmett exclaimed with glee.

"Knock it off Em, damn beast hit on my woman; you'd do the same thing."

"Well I did when he hit on Rose." Wonderful, only we would get stuck with a playboy moose.

"Let's get back to what's going on here. Edward's really drunk from eating Harold? Is he okay?" I think an examination may be in order, but right now I wanted to be sure I had all the facts.

"Edward's fine, he had a little issue with his balance as you can see from the walls. And the damn dude snores like a beast. You should have heard him last night when he finally fell asleep, sounded like a hibernating bear was in here."

"What the hell do you mean sleeping and snoring? We don't sleep." I was seriously starting to become concerned that the effects of eating that moose might have been like human's having food poisoning.

"Well he was; right guys?"

"Most definitely." Jasper confirmed and Rose and Alice nodded their heads.

**Meanwhile Upstairs**

I felt so good and snuggled closer to Edward. His arms held me tighter and that's when I felt his hard length poking my stomach. Hmmm, in bed with naked and aroused Edward, I need to take full advantage of this turn of events. Was there some question there? I slid my hand down and grasped him which made him moan and flip onto his back, perfect. I quickly moved down and engulfed him in my mouth causing his eyes to fly open. He looked at me and smiled, then let out a small purr. Yeah, I did that, me.

I swirled, nibbled and sucked him like my life depended on it. His hands came down and fondled my tits while I fondled his balls. He let out that hot purry-growly sound like last night and I knew he was there; so on the last time down, his tip hit the back of my throat and I hummed. He lost it and his cool icy deliciousness glided down my throat. He was a panting mess. When he stopped cumming, I slowly released him from my mouth with a pop and placed a kiss on his tip.

The smile that was on my face was probably as big as the ocean as he pulled me up to his face which had a similar smile and his eyes were glowing.

"Good morning," I whispered.

"It certainly is," he whispered back and kissed me fiercely. Pulling back we began to snuggle into one another falling back to sleep until….

**Back to the Kitchen and Carlisle**

"What is that noise?" Esme asked.

"Sounds like Edward, maybe growling or moaning. He must be sick from eating that tainted moose." That's all I had to say and Esme was beside herself with worry.

"Oh my god, my poor baby. Carlisle, grab your medical bag, we need to get up there."

In a move that took us by surprise, Emmett and Jasper grab the two of us so we couldn't move.

"Mom, I don't think it's a good time to go up there." Jasper stated and I was really starting to worry because Jasper never did crazy things like Emmett.

"Emmett, Jasper, let me go my child needs me and your father needs to look him over."

Then there was a sound the likes I never heard and my eyes went wide and I tried to fight off Emmett. "He sounds like he's in pain."

"Mom, that would be your son snoring and the only ones in pain are those of us who have to listen to it." Well, I couldn't disagree with that assessment.

"Butttt…we…but…he needs us. Let me go Jasper." Esme demanded.

"Momma, I will let you go and Emmett dad, but you have to make us a promise."

"What is it, anything." Esme quickly agreed.

"I know you're going up there, but go up slowly and don't spook them."

"What?"

"Come on papa smurf, you've got to realize that Edward maybe hung-over a bit."

"Emmett I am not blue, nor am I a smurf. I wish you would refrain from calling me that."

"Okay, Okay, but you're short like a smurf and besides papa smurf is a smart leader just like you." Damn silver tongue devil, not only did he make it sound good being papa smurf, but distracted me from being held captive.

"Alright, I agree. Esme?"

"Yes, I do too. We will go slowly." They let us go and before we could move, the house phone rang.

"Hello?"

**A/N: Please review. So who do you think is calling?**


	11. Seeing it All

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but Stephenie Meyers does. I do own Melvin and the story idea.**

**Moose on the Loose**

**Chapter 11 – Seeing it All**

**Carlisle**

"Hello?"

"Hey Kris."

"Hi Carlisle. How are you doing? Is Melvin there?"

"I'm doing well. If you mean Melvin the Moose, yes he was, but he just left for home. Why are you calling?"

"Ah Emma called Anna and when I checked my voicemails from last night there was one from him on it saying he was with vegetarian vampires having a great time and that I should visit them in Forks to leave gifts this Christmas, especially for his new friend Edward. I know you are the only vegetarian vampires in Forks and Edward is your son."

"Well this has certainly been a strange morning and it's only just begun. I know we agreed that you didn't need to come here for Christmas because we had more than enough, but maybe you could just leave one gift for each of the kids and please don't forget the wolves down at the reservation, they really helped us out this past year." By the shear look of shock and hurt, I knew Emmett was going to flip a fang at me when I get off the phone.

"Okay, I'll be sure to stop by. Have a great day my friend." Not likely after that revelation.

"You too Kris." I hung up the phone and Emmett pounced.

"How could you not let Santa come here? I've been a good vampire not eating people. We've all been good." Oh god, if he could cry, he'd be balling like nobody's business right now.

"I know, but I thought we had enough things and money to buy what we wanted."

"Buuuut, it's a gift from Santa, I'd need nothing else." Damn big goofy vampire was so sad and it was never good to have a sad Emmett he'd bring everyone down with him. I need to make this right, damage control.

"I'm sorry. I tell you what, when we get Edward all settled I'll call Kris about us taking a trip to the North Pole and you can meet him and Mrs. Claus. Okay? Now, come give papa smurf a hug."

That's all it took and he was squeezing the stuffing out of me. "Thank you papa, I love you. Now go see about our baby brother to make sure he's well, maybe he wants to come, all of us, the wolves too." He really was a big hearted guy.

He let me go and I grabbed Esme's hand. We walked slowly up the stairs which had another benefit; we were able to survey the damage as we went.

At the top of the steps, the banister had finger indentations in it and the walls along the hallway had scuffs, dents, cracks and a few holes. I squeezed Esme's hand to make sure she was okay, but when we turned the corner, nothing could have prepared us for the sight in front of us that made us gasp. Edward's door frame was cracked and chunks were gouged out of it, and the door was hanging precariously from its hinges.

We approached the door and I dropped Esme's hand. I lifted the door off the hinges and moved it safely to the side. We looked into the room and surrounding the crazy mess/disaster of epic proportions, were Edward and Bella snuggled under the covers, naked. Edward was sleeping and that had to be from the tainted blood.

Esme nudged me with a grin so wide that I had to hold back my laughter at the scene laid out before us. Clothes ripped and strewn everywhere, torn carpet, headboard cracked, gouges in the dresser and nightstand, body imprint hole of Edward in the bathroom door and feathers everywhere. It looked like is snowed in here, yeah Blizzard Edward tore through here.

I tapped Esme's nose and made a motion to see if she smelled what I smelled, blood which meant they had sex. She nodded, and in trying to hold back laughing as we stepped into the room, the sound that came out was more like a throat clearing.

Bella smiled and looked our way, "morning Carlisle, Esme."

"Morning Bella," then she gasped and threw the blankets over their heads. We could hear her whispering, "Edward, Edward wake up."

"What is it my love. I don't want to get up, just want to stay here wrapped around you." He stretched pulling the blankets off his face.

"Morning son." His eyes went wide and he tossed the covers back over his head.

"Oh god, oh god, oh god, what are we going to do Edward?" She whispered.

"First, you need to move up here, you're breathing down there is going to cause a problem to rise up, namely me." He whispered. Esme and I just looked at one another and smiled. These two were a riot.

"Okay, but what…do you think they know…you know…"

"No, no definitely not, they couldn't." This was like our own private comedy show.

"What if they do? Will they be mad or tell my dad? I don't want you getting shot." As if we'd do that to them, we were quite proud they took the next step in their relationship. Even though Edward might have been under the influence, it just loosened and relaxed him enough so he didn't think so hard about it. Besides, I didn't relish the thought of my child becoming target practice for an irate father.

"They're very cool parents; Emmett always says that, so probably not."

"Probably?"

"Definitely not."

"You do know that we can hear you two? Vampires remember?"

"OH GOD THEY KNOW! I'm just going to live under the covers here for the rest of my life. I hope you don't mind."

"Bella, I don't mind at all, as long as I can live right here next to you."

"What should we do?"

"I don't know."

I cleared my throat, "Urmm, still here and still can hear you. Please come out from under the blankets and talk to us. I promise we won't bite." And at that last statement Esme burst out laughing.

Slowly the blankets moved down and the mess of bronze and then brown hair, then faces came into view. They moved the blankets so they were under their chins.

"Hiiigghh, mom, dad. I can explain." I looked over at Esme and she was just beaming from being called mom. He rarely did, so this meant the world to her.

"Really? Please tell me that you used protection." I just had to rib him a little. Of course Bella was blushing cherry red and looked at Edward.

"Edward, you're blushing. You're a blusher, just like me." Bella declared. It was amazing the effects that this tainted moose was having on a vampire's body.

"How? Carlisle?"

"Well son, near as I can tell the tainted moose blood must have reacted with your venom and you are having side effects from it. I would equate it to how medications react in humans and the side effects they can have from them. I don't believe there is anything to worry about as it will dissipate as the blood leaves your system."

With that statement out there, before I could stop her, Esme flew to the bed and sat on the edge near Edward. Taking his face into her hands, she looked him over very carefully.

"How are you feeling my sweet baby boy?" I saw Bella smile and I thought Edward was going to shy away like he normally does, but he surprised me.

"Mom, I feel fine, thank you for asking and being here for me."

"Of course I'm here for you, and you too Bella, always. Are you feeling okay Bella?"

"Thanks Esme, I'm feeling fine, no hangover either." Bella said. Hmmm, what did that mean? She certainly didn't drink a drunk moose.

"Thanks mom, I love you."

"I love you too my sweet boy." She leaned over and kissed him on the forehead.

I knew that I needed to get Esme off the bed before they realized that they were naked under those covers and freaked out. I moved to Esme's side and put my hands on her shoulders.

"Esme dear, let's go, everything's fine here." Well as fine as it could be under the circumstances.

"Okay my love."

Esme stood up and we turned which gave us a full view of the bathroom. We gasped in unison at what we saw. Cracked, broken and missing tiles everywhere.

"What's the matter?" Bella asked and she moved to sit up to look. "Ummmm, Ummm Edward, I think we might have done some damage last night."

Some! This is what she classifies as some. We are totally in for it when she's changed; Emmett has found his other damaging the house half.

"No, that couldn't have been us. It had to be Emmett." Edward was now sitting up and surveying the room.

"Ahh, not in the bathroom, you kind of fell on the floor after I…my… lips…touched your…" Edward cut her off.

"Oh yeah, but I really enjoyed that so the damage was worth it. We'll have to do it again and again." Hmmm, clearly his filter isn't working very well because there was only one thing that could've made him fall back that hard and Bella was clearly in front of him. No one falls that hard unless it was a shock. Her lips were on his cock. I smiled at that thought, he has now joined the rest of us and knows how special a woman he has, not that he didn't already, but now it's on an entirely new level. I winked as Esme and she winked back.

"Not a problem, I wanted to redo that bathroom anyway. Now why don't you two get dressed and come downstairs for breakfast. What would you like?"

They both groaned and fell back onto the bed together. I had to laugh they were so adorable.

"I'd like some pancakes if you wouldn't mind." Bella said

"Mom, I'd like some eggs." Edward said and we looked at him. "Huh, don't know where that came from."

"No worries son, remember side effects."

"Yeah." He sheepishly acknowledged.

Esme and I walked to the door and just before I left the room, I couldn't help myself, I turned and said, "Edward, you might not want to hang your underwear on the lamp, it's a fire hazard."

With that, we walked out, but still heard them groan _'how embarrassing.'_

We walked back into the kitchen to be greeted by four grinning faces.

**A/N: Please review and join Team Melvin. Team members get a guaranteed seat on the bus to the North Pole!**


	12. The Morning After  Don't Open that Door

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but Stephenie Meyers does. I do own Melvin and the story idea.**

**Moose on the Loose**

**Chapter 12 – The Morning After – Don't Open that Door**

**Edward**

I never felt as good in my life as I felt this morning. I was sure nothing could change that feeling as I snuggled up with Bella safely in my arms. Well, all was good until my parents came into the room. That experience I could've done without for all eternity.

I was mortified and so was Bella.

After the most embarrassing five minutes of my life when Carlisle and Esme found us sleeping together in my bed NAKED and knew we had just had sex and pretty much destroyed the place, I decided we needed to talk before going downstairs. Not that I wanted to go down there because lord knows what they were all going to say about what went on last night. Emmett was probably beside himself with glee.

"Sweetheart, how are you feeling? Are you okay?" I needed to be sure.

"I'm actually fine; maybe a little sore on my hip over here and my arm seems to have a bruise."

"Let me see, I'll kiss it better." She turned her arm and hip my way and my eyes went wide as I gasped. How did that happen? "Ummm, do you recall how it happened; some things are a bit hazy. I do remember all the great sex we had though." Yeah she was smiling.

"I don't think either of us will forget the great sex." She laughed. "I'll start at the beginning since it the best place. Well, let's see, the rug and stuff over there happened when we were undressing one another, when we fell your hands went into the carpet. The shower you already remember that quite well," she wiggled her eyebrows at me, god I remember, not something I'm ever likely to forget." She continued, "the bathroom door I kinda pushed you into and the other things on the way to the bed we were spinning around and I may have bumped into a thing or two. Well between the kissing and you sucking on my nipples you were otherwise distracted so you may not have noticed."

"OH, I could definitely see that as you have the loveliest tits and they fit perfectly in my hand, they're quite distracting. I could suck on your nipples all day long. So how did we break the bed?" Damn this looks like more than Em and Rose have done in the past. We're never going to hear the end of it.

"Why Edward, flattery will get you everywhere." She laughed and I reached out and massage her lovely tits.

"They're so soft and warm and I love how your nipples harden with my touch." FOCUS I told myself. "The bed?"

"Oh yeah, well that's kind of embarrassing. I so hope no one realizes that we fell out of the bed at one point. We were rolling around and must've come too close to the edge and fell over. Well you fell and I followed on top of you."

"Huh, that explains the gouge in the nightstand."

"Yeah, well you sort of jumped up and leaned us against the wall. Hmmm, so you were fucking me against the wall and that's how the wall got damaged. After that round, you threw us back onto the bed and your foot hit the leg and post which is why it's a little lopsided," she grinned at me.

"Yes, now I remember, the wall," I smirked.

"The wall was definitely enjoyable; we have to do that again. The angle allowed you to go so much deeper it seemed and hit that spot. Soooo Goood and just thinking about it is getting me all hot and bothered." She fanned herself with her hand and I laughed.

I pulled her hand to me and kissed it and that's when I noticed another bruise starting to form, and I had to know, "how did this happen?"

"Oh that, it's nothing really. We were on your black leather couch; I was riding you reverse cowgirl, and let me say that was the best ride ever." I grinned like an idiot at that statement, but who cares. "you sat up a bit more helping me move up and down Big Ed, so I threw my hands behind me to wrap them around your neck and my hand hit the shelf. That's also how some of your cd's ended up on the floor."

"Ahhh, cd's small sacrifice," I laughed.

"Well, I also have to tell you that at the rate we were going at it in the woods where I may have groped Big Ed a time or ten and on the kitchen bar stool where you were massaging my tits, there is definitely more fuel on the fire with that too. More like a raging inferno. Oh and there might've been a time or two we were rolling around on the forest floor."

"God I was like a wild animal."

"Yeah, you were and still are, but you're MY wild animal and I like you just the way you are, untamed. And that purring and growling thing you were doing turned me on so much I thought I was going to spontaneously combust."

"I'll have to do the purrowl more often." And I proceed to purrowl a few times and I watched Bella rub her legs together. Damn she really did get turned on. "You know we're never going to live this down breaking the bed and all the other damage."

"I have an idea though." From the devilish look on her face I knew it was going to be bad ass.

"Do I smell a plan forming my dear?"

"You most certainly do. Now tell me some of the things they've done." I filled Bella in on their exploits over the years that I've been privy to, okay more or less horrified to witness, but that's neither here nor there.

"Pure genius is all I can say, my lovely." I smiled, her plan might actually work and I won't be on the receiving end of the embarrassment for a change.

We lay there basking in one another and just then another thought came to mind. It was about our deal. I guess that's all gone to hell and a hand basket now.

"Hey, what has you thinking so hard?" Bella asked as her soft fingers straightened out my brow.

"Just that…well…the deal…"

"What deal?"

"Well the one where I promised you I'd try after we're…." she cut me off.

"Married."

"Yeah that one." I sighed knowing I was now not going to have what the rest of my family has, a legal marriage, a Mrs. Cullen.

"I don't see what changes anything."

"Well now that we've had sex and you have what you wanted, I figured you won't want to get married…to me." God why did saying that out loud hurt so much?

"Huh, you really think that?" Sorry, but that is that mopey Edward guy coming out.

"Kinda." I tried to hide my grimace.

"Well, over the past few weeks I've done a lot of soul searching and realized how important marriage is to you, for us. Yes, I wanted you to make love to me before so that I would know what it felt like and wouldn't be lost in the newborn year. I've also been horny as hell; you have no idea that every time I'm near you I want to strip you naked and have my wicked way with you." FUCKING hell, talk like this was waking up Big Ed. Alright, so I admit he's never far from being UP. Horny seventeen year old here.

"Oh I think I have a very good idea. Did you know that after I left your house every morning, I was beyond horny; my cock was hard as a rock from not only your moaning in your sleep, but saying my name. Sometimes I couldn't wait to get home so I jacked off in the woods and then again in the shower."

"Well, there will be no more of that unless, of course, I get to watch or do it for you." Damn if my heart was beating, it'd be beating out of my chest right now. Shit she wanted to watch me; cripes I needed to fan myself now as I was becoming hot and bothered.

"Anyway, back to the topic at hand. I also want my dad to walk me down the aisle so all our friends and family can see how happy we are together. I want them to know I'm yours and you're mine. I want you to know that what is important to you is important to me. If you recall, I said to you before you went all marriage first crazy on me, trying no doubt to hedge your bets, I'd marry you even if we did have sex beforehand, and I meant it. I want what everyone else has in this house, a husband. I love you Edward Cullen with all my heart and soul, and I can't wait to become Mrs. Cullen."

"I love you so much soon-to-be Mrs. Cullen and I want that too, a wife." I leaned in and kissed her firmly on the lips.

Our kisses turned heated, our hands were roaming, Big Ed was up and she gave him a few good strokes.

"Fuck."

"Exactly what I was thinking," Bella said with a grin. Holy hell my woman is just as horny as I am. I'm such a lucky bastard or as Emmett would say, you fucking have the luck of the Irish bro.

After another round of fucking, I figured we'd better get downstairs before someone, namely Emmett came up here. Although, we seriously needed a shower since we reeked of sex. He had enough material to work with for the next century or two as it is.

"I think we should get downstairs before they come up and get us. We also need a shower." She blushed at the mention of shower. Yeah, best shower of my life, couldn't help smiling at her.

"So where are we going to shower, since yours is a bit damaged and getting water behind the tile wall isn't a good thing." She asked. Yup, mine was totally unusable.

"We could use Em and Rose's, it's the closest."

"Ummm, I'm a bit afraid of what we might find in there."

"Me too. How about Carlisle and Esme's?"

"Sounds perfect." I swept her into my arms and carried her to their bathroom.

"You know I could walk."

"You could, but then I couldn't do this." I leaned down and kissed her and then let her slide down my naked body which caused her to moan.

"Mmmm, carry me all the time if that's what happens." I'll be remembering that statement.

"I'll turn on the water, can you get the towels? They're in the cabinet over there."

"Sure, no problem."

I turned to get the water started and Bella stepped over to the cabinet to retrieve the towels. While I was adjusting the water, I heard her gasp, "oh my god!" I was at her side in an instant.

"What is it love?" She pointed to the shelf above the towels.

When I looked up there I gasped, "oh my god."

"Do you think?" She asked.

"Uhh…maybe they're Em's and he put them in here as a joke?" That sounded plausible. It's my story and I'm sticking to it.

"I don't think so, that thing is monogrammed 'the Carlisle.'"

"Oh sweet Jesus, you're right. I'm starting to think Em and Rose's bathroom would've been better than this, at least we'd expect it there. Do you think?" Could it be his, dear lord, please no, I'm going to be scarred for life. Going to need therapy for sure.

"Probably, I heard Jess talking about Newton casting his pencil dick and sending it to her, so I'd say yes." I growled, how would Bella know that? She slapped my chest and said, "hey none of that my wild man. I have no idea about it; it was just what she called it. Her words not mine." It was seriously weird; it was like she could read my mind.

"I just can't imagine why…need that…casted." I seriously didn't, what in the world would you do with it.

"Huh, now that I think about it, maybe we should cast you."

"What? I don't…."

"I know I'll ask Big Ed to get his opinion on the matter." What in the world? What kind of opinion would he have, wouldn't that just be my opinion?

I guess I was taking too long thinking this whole thing through about his opinion because I felt her fingers running underneath my cock and saw her looking down at it. I was now at half-mast. Then she started talking.

"So Big Ed, I was thinking that we should have you cast. What do you think? Hmmm, yes, but think of the advantages for me. I'd always have you with me and I could use your twin when you guys go hunting." I guess he said no, sounds like me. Her fingers were holding him up now. "Ahhh, I see your concern now, but it would only be to take the edge off and I'd still want the real thing much more. That would only be for once in a while. Oh really, I had no idea that hunting made you all kinds of sexually aroused. It won't be a problem though because if you recall last night we went at least 7 or 8 rounds, so I'll be ready for you when you get home." Oh dear lord, she'll be waiting for me after a hunt. I'm a lucky bastard. "Maybe we should ask the boys." Her fingers moved down to my balls which she massaged. "Hmmm, the boys aren't sure. Okay…okay it's settled then."

What the heck was settled? What did I…Big Ed and the boys agree to? This was by far the strangest conversation I've ever experienced and I live with Emmett. I was almost afraid to ask, but I knew I had to for my sanity which was hanging by a thread. "So love, what was agreed to?" There that didn't sound so weird since my cock already agreed to something.

"Oh, we decided to think about it some more and not rush into it. He really wanted me to use him and not a substitute." I can totally agree with that one. "And the boys want me to give them a name too." She laughed and I had to smile at her craziness.

"Okay…sounds good, we don't want the boys getting jealous." I'm not sure what it sounded like, definitely not 'good' more like 'bizarre.'" She turned back to the cabinet.

"Hey, check this out; we could definitely use this on you."

"I wonder if it'd work. I bet it'd feel great. Wait, what am I thinking there are eight bottles here, so it definitely does work." I stated.

"Do you think if we borrowed one they'd notice? I could give you a naked massage." She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively at me causing my cock to twitch nodding his head, telling her that's a yes.

"I'm so going to hell. Why not, we can replace it or blame it on Em."

"Well if you're going, I'll be coming with. This looks interesting." She picked up a clear packaged that had a ring in it and flipped it over. "Damn this goes on Big Ed and it vibrates. We so need to try one of these." And she put that on the counter next to the heated massage oil.

Wait a minute, why are all these things for me. Let me look in here further maybe there's something I can use to pleasure Bella. Fair is fair after all. I spotted something in the back, yeah this is good. I pulled it out.

"We're borrowing this for you." I dragged the feathers that were on a stick down her arm and she moaned.

"Okay, but I was thinking that maybe we should go online and check out some other things. We might like some stuff. Nothing crazy, but you know look at these things, we could have some fun." I was totally on board with that plan.

"Sounds good to me. Hey, what do you think these metal things are? They look like those eyeglass strings Mrs. Cope wears." I held them up, but couldn't figure out what you'd do with it.

"I don't know, let me see." Bella took them from my hand and moved them around. She squeezed open what looked like clothespins and brought it to her chest area and looked up at me. "Do you…think…ummm…they… go on your nipples?" She blushed.

"Ahh…maybe? I can't imagine that feels too good, probably hurts." Not sure I even want to know.

"Well maybe, I think we might have to do some research online. There's stuff in here that I have no clue. Damn your parents are kinky." She laughed.

"Yeah, online research would be a good idea so we can decide what we might want to try. And this is totally TMI on them, I might need to go into therapy after seeing what was behind this door. I can't even believe we're 'borrowing' stuff either. I think that's a good plan, now I think we need to get in the shower." I definitely need a shower after seeing that stuff and realizing my parents are using it.

I grabbed up Bella and stepped us into the shower. She slid down my body moaning and wiggling against me. And there it was twitch, twitch, twitch; I was now full-mast once again. I guess seeing that stuff really didn't take the wind out of my sails. And HOT DAMN, she took my sail in hand running it up and down my mast, while rubbing her thumb over my tip. Then her other hand reached down and massaged the boys.

"Oh god yes, feels so good, more, harder, more." I threw my head back as she continued to stroke me. Then I smelled her arousal and I just had to be inside her.

I picked her up and turned her against the shower wall. In one swift movement, I encased myself in Bella. "Fuck yes, so hot and wet for me."

"Yes, Edward, god yes more." My little vixen demanded and I complied. I moved quicker, her hands wrapped in my hair and she pulled my face to hers smashing her lips against mine. I pumped in and out of her faster, she was moaning and I was groaning, then the purrowl started.

"Cum for me my Bella, cum for me."

"Purrowl again, again." She demanded and I did. I reached down to bring her along to completion. I felt her fluttering around my mast, then clamping down on it like a vice grip. Two more pumps into her heat and I felt her orgasm hit at the same time as mine and we yelled each other's names and I continued to purrowl.

We were both breathing like we ran a marathon. Did I mention that I love showering! Definitely my new favorite thing.

"You know I'm never going to be able to take a shower alone ever again." She declared.

"Hmm, I think I'll be the good samaritan and volunteer to accompany you into every shower." I wiggled my eyebrows at her.

"I don't know." She pretended to think and I kissed her neck, jaw and lips. "Maybe if you bring a friend or three along?" What the hell, I growled.

She laughed, "lighten up vampman, I was talking about Big Ed and the boys."

OH, OH, OH. "you know wherever I go they go and vice-versa, we're a package deal."

"Yes, you are quite the package…deal and I want it all." She totally loved my package, just sayin'.

I smashed my lips against hers and then we pulled apart before things got out of hand. We quickly finished showering, dried off and grabbed our booty and headed back to my room to get dressed. It was now time to head downstairs and face the music, or should I say the Emmett.

**A/N: Please review. Reviews are like potato chips, more the better.**


	13. Melvin Gets a Say

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but Stephenie Meyers does. I do own Melvin and the story idea.**

**Moose on the Loose**

**Chapter 13 – Melvin Gets a Say**

**Carlisle**

"Okay, so you know what went on. I don't want you giving them a hard time, especially you Emmett." I know how he can be on a good day and this was clearly the best day of his life.

"Ahh, I wouldn't do that pops, but I do believe having a little fun with them is in order, don't you agree Jazz?"

"Yes, just a little. We did after all have to carry a very tasty smelling moose back to the house and refrain from eating him." I had to refrain from rolling my eyes, these guys were so dramatic.

Just then the doorbell rang and Esme went to answer it and I heard her greeting. "Well hello Seth, why don't you come inside, we're all in the kitchen and I was about to make some breakfast. Would you like some?" Esme loved when Seth would stop by, I swear she'd have us adopting him if he didn't have his mother.

"Thanks Esme, I'd like to talk to Carlisle too." They both walked into the kitchen and Esme set about getting the food.

"What can I do for you Seth?"

"Well I was wondering if you could maybe come down to the rez and see my mom. She's been having this pain in her leg for a while, but refuses to go get it checked out."

"Of course, how about right after breakfast." He was such a good kid and as if I'd deny medical care to anyone.

Then Edward and Bella entered the room. It took Emmett all of five seconds to pounce, the longest he's ever held back.

"Hey bro, how's the hangover, but I bet the sex makes up for it." He gloated and the two of them turned red.

"HOLY SHIT Edward's blushing! Can you believe it, he blushes just like Bella." Emmett gleefully exclaimed practically breaking out into a dance.

"I knew it all along. I could feel his embarrassment at certain situations and knew that if he could he would blush." Jasper declared and that made perfect sense.

"And you never shared this information." I had to roll my eyes at that, as if Jasper would give him more ammunition.

"Emmett you didn't need that information, besides, I'm sure from what went on yesterday, last night and this morning, you're on informational overload by now." I stated and he grinned.

"WHOA, WHOA, what's that on your neck Edward?" And Emmett rushed to Edward's side and then surveyed Bella. "And your neck too Bella?"

"What?" Edward inquired.

"Oh you two were sucking on each other, look at those hickeys. So what else did she suck Edward?" Oh for heaven's sake, I knew I had to stop this and fast. A distraction was needed.

"Enough Emmett, leave your brother alone. Clearly they had a good night and its private, between them. And whatever strange things like the sleeping and snoring that happened was the side effects from the tainted moose blood he drank. Now I was thinking that I'd give Kris a call to arrange a visit."

"Who's Kris?" Edward asked.

"WHO'S KRIS? WHO'S KRIS? He's Santa Edward, dad knows Santa, personally. They're like friends and stuff. Can you believe that he told him that he could skip our house!" Emmett exclaimed while waiving his hands dramatically in the air.

"Buttt, why? It would be a present from Santa, I'd need nothing else." Edward look at me all wide eyed. Oh for heaven's sake, he's as bad as Emmett. I guess it must be from the age they grew up in that Santa was a huge deal for them.

"Can I go too?" Bella asked.

"Me too, maybe Colin and Brady want to come as well." Seth asked.

"Okay, Okay, I'll give him a call. I'm sure it won't be a problem."

"Thanks!" The three of them said in unison.

I had to wonder if Kris was truly ready for all of us to visit him. Yes, we'll call it a visit and not a hoard of misfits descending on his peaceful abode. He clearly had no clue what I was about to ask and what he was about to agree to. God help us all.

"Ummm, dad? Where's Melvin?"

"Oh, he had to go home."

"Huh, too bad I didn't get to say goodbye."

Esme placed the food on the table for Bella and Seth. We all turned to have our separate conversations so it wasn't like we were staring at them while they ate and making them uncomfortable. Although, I didn't think Seth would ever be uncomfortable around us. They both gobbled it up in no time, but before Bella had her second bite, she asked, "Edward, would you like a taste?"

"Yeah." We all turned with the look of shock as Bella stabbed some pancakes on her fork, twirled it in the butter and syrup and fed it to Edward.

He chewed and then swallowed. We all waited on pins and needles for his reaction of disgust.

"Wow that's really good. Can I have some more?" Esme flew to the stove and in two seconds flat had more pancakes on the griddle. When they were done she brought them over to Edward and the smile that was on her face was that of jubilation. She was being able to cook for her baby.

"Here you go my sweet boy. I'm so glad I've been given a chance to cook for you." He dug into his meal.

"Me too mom, mmmm, these are good. You seriously can put Emeril to shame."

"I totally agree Mrs. C." Seth confirmed.

"Ahh, you guys are just flattering me."

"Not at all Esme, I know good cooking and this is by far better than anything I've ever had." Bella declared and Esme leaned over and hugged each one of them and kissed their foreheads.

"I love all of you."

After the kids finished eating, Seth and I headed down to the rez, but before that I pulled Edward aside to talk to him.

"Edward, are you feeling okay?"

"Yeah, mostly, although every so often and I get this fuzzy feeling." Him wondered what that was all about.

"Okay, I think we need to discuss last night in detail."

"Ummm…do we have to?" He was too funny, truly acting like a seventeen year old boy with his hand that was caught in the cookie jar.

"Yes, we definitely do. I also want to talk to Bella as well, so you both should come back to the house around lunch time so we can talk. I should be back from the Clearwater's by then." I insisted.

"Okay, but this is going to be so embarrassing." He sighed.

"Any more so than having us walk in on you this morning, or the fact that we now realize the sounds we were hearing were moans of pleasure from you two?" I quirked a knowing eyebrow at him.

"Oh god you heard all that?" He whispered and I nodded yes. "Please don't think badly of me."

"As if I ever would, now come on, you love Bella with all your heart and soul. You didn't do anything that wasn't a natural expression of your love of one another. Your mother and I do all the time, in fact, that is one of the reasons for our monthly hunting trip that we go on alone." I smiled.

"Okay, TMI." I laughed at him.

"Alright, I won't say any more, but I expect both of you at noon."

"We'll be there. I'm going to take Bella home for a bit and then visit Melvin before we come back."

"And, son, I love you and am very happy for you." I reached over and hugged him.

"I love you too, dad." He hugged me back without any forethought which was unusual for him, but his using the title of 'dad' made my dead heart swell with happiness. He rarely ever used it, only when keeping up appearances, unlike Emmett who used that and any other term that described it over the years.

**Melvin**

As I'm walking home to my lovely wife, I couldn't help but think that the Cullen family were all totally insane, just as bad as that pack of weird wolves I met last month. Although, with that being said, the ladies of the house sure were gorgeous and the guys were a lot of fun.

I entered my home to be greeted by Emma with a look on her face which, if I had any sense and wasn't so hung over, I'd run for the hills or back to the Cullen's.

"Where have you been Melvin?"

"Well, I was out with Harold…"

"I knew it, I knew it. That son of a bitch got you into some trouble, didn't he; you better tell me what it is right this minute!" Emma demanded and I knew I was totally screwed, and not in a good way.

"You won't have to worry about Harold anymore because he's dead, vampire ate him."

"Good, now continue."

"You're never going to believe the night I had." I proceeded to tell Emma everything and she stood there and stared.

"Well that's quite the tall tale, but at least we both know you won't be going out for a very long time." She quirked an eyebrow at me and I gulped. I knew what that meant, not good, definitely not good for my ass.

Well this Moose is no longer on the loose!

"I'll be going out for a walk now to calm down. Clean up and be ready when I get back."

"Yes dear. Oh, by the way, Carlisle and Esme Cullen have invited us over to have dinner next Saturday."

"Okay." She said and the doorbell rang. "Wonder who the heck that is at this time of the morning." And I heard her mumble on the way to the door, _'should've listened to my mother, she told me not to marry him that he was the dumb ass of the herd. The Cullen's probably meant to have us 'as' dinner, idiot.'_

Emma opened the door and was greeted, "Hi, is Melvin home? I'm his friend Edward Cullen," I peeked around the wall and saw Edward standing in the doorway sparkling. Emma stood there slack jawed before she promptly fainted.

**A/N: Please review and receive a cookie from Santa. Good news is that I have the next chapter already written for this so I won't be so long in updating again.**

Also, I'm writing another story for the Toys for Tots compilation this year with Dil9, so for as little as $5 you'll be one of the first to read Vamp & Were's Place. Emmett watches too much Food Network with Seth and they decide to open a vampire and werewolf themed restaurant, only they go a bit too far, big surprise right. The Voluri are invited to the pre-opening, Bella & Edward end up with an addiction (something funny), and there are some interesting illegal-ish activities of sorts that are going on to serve the diverse guests. Please go over to: christmas wishes compilation . blog spot . com (remove the spaces) to make your donation.


	14. Embarrassment x 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but Stephenie Meyers does. I do own Melvin and the story idea.**

**Moose on the Loose**

**Chapter 14 – Embarrassment x 1**

**Edward's POV**

Well after the most glorious evening and morning with my love, I was on a serious all-time high. I had to think to myself what the heck was I thinking in holding out on making love to my Bella until after the wedding. She made me the happiest man on earth when she told me how much she wanted to marry me. Alright, maybe Em is the happiest, but it is due to the fact we have no idea what he's happy about at any given time, I'd say it doesn't count because of that.

I really had a fun time with Melvin and just had to visit him. I was shocked, however, when Emma answered the door and fainted. I guess I am scary, hmmm, have to tell Em that he's not the only one that can scare someone into oblivion.

"Hey Melvin, are you sure Emma's okay?" I was a little worried since I'm scary and all.

"Yeah man she's okay, will probably come around in a second or two. Not that I want her to as she's still pissed at me for going out with Harold. Although, happy as a clam that he's dead. Well that's clearly the end of my fun." He pouted.

"Nah, you could go out with my brother Emmett, he's always up for a little fun." Understatement of the year, he has no idea what 'little' means. It's more like a huge planned event into crazyville.

"Sounds cool, I'll definitely give him a ring when she finally cools down and I can go out again."

I leaned over to get a better look at Emma to see if there was anything I could do when she opened her eyes, looked at me and screamed, "AAHHH, VAMPIRE!"

I jumped back and screamed, "AAHHH MOOSE!"

"AAHHH." She screamed.

"AAHH." I screamed back again. It was a total ET moment; you know the one where the sister and ET scream back and forth. What? It's one of Bella's favorite movies. Still how embarrassing, I sounded like a little girl, good thing no one witnessed that, you know family members who would keep bringing that up for the next century or two.

"Hey Emma, I'm Edward…and…umm…yeah a vampire." I sheepishly admitted.

"Melvin, do something before he eats us." She shoved Melvin forward while hiding behind him.

"Pleazzzze Emma, you're embarrassing me in front of my friend Edward here. Yes, he's a vampire, a vegetarian vampire, but he's not here to eat us. Get a grip woman, he's here for a visit and I told you that we were invited to dinner Friday night at their house." Melvin rolled his eyes at her.

"Yeah, my mom Esme is very much looking forward to cooking stuff for you guys as well as Bella and me." Esme was beside herself with the idea of cooking for me and before I had left the house she cornered me at the door and kissed me all over my face. If that wasn't bad enough she then wrapped her arms around me and rocked me back and forth saying, how much she loved me and how I was her baby boy. Bella stood there with a huge smile on her face and I swear she was ready to break out in laughter over it, but maybe she was just happy unlike the loons in the kitchen that were in total hysterics and singing Rock-a-Bye Baby. They were just jealous!

"You sure you don't want to eat US for dinner." Emma eyed me curiously.

"Yes, I'm absolutely positive."

"Would you like something to drink?" Melvin asked.

"Are you crazy? He might decide to drink us." I could tell Emma was panicking again and her heart rate was up.

"No, no I don't want to drink from friends. Thank you for the offer though." I said quickly, so that she won't faint again. Once of that was enough.

"Oh, sorry Edward, I just meant would you like to drink some grass juice?" Melvin offered again.

"That would be nice. I'd like to try it since I seem to be able to eat human food now. I guess I should be able to eat or drink animal food as well." I really wanted to taste all types of food now that I had the opportunity.

"Here you go then." Emma was very quick to bring me a glass of grass juice; but she was still scared I'd try to drink from them.

"Thank you." I took a tentative sip. It wasn't bad, but not as good as human food. I guess I didn't like animal food that much.

"It's very nice." I didn't want to hurt their feelings, so I lied. I quickly gulped it down like one would do with medicine.

"Now I really have to go back to my Bella, I'm going to take her out for lunch." That and I'm horny has hell. "I just wanted to stop by to see Melvin because I didn't get to say goodbye to him before he left this morning and to make sure he was coming for dinner."

"Okay, see you Friday." Emma finally gave me a smile, but she was still scared. However, she was very curious about us so she really did want to come for dinner. Wait until she meets Emmett that's going to be a shock.

"Good." I said and raced out the door to my lovely woman who was waiting on my horny ass. Maybe a little sexing can be our pre-lunch appetizer. Freaking hell, I've turned myself on and only one thing is going to quell the hard-on in my pants, my woman. Hope Charlie's not home.

**Bella's POV**

After the best night of my life, Edward dropped me off at home so Charlie wouldn't be suspicious. Esme was crazy over being able to cook for both of us and I thought it was so cute how she referred to him as her baby boy. She truly loved all of them, but it looks like Edward is her favorite.

"Hey dad."

"Hi Bells, have a nice night at the Cullen's?" More than you want or should know. No need for you to go on a rampage after Edward. I cringed at the thought of Charlie shooting Edward. Come to think of it, I don't think a bullet could really hurt Edward, but didn't want to find out.

"Yes, we had a lot of fun. Played a few video games, of course, Emmett won all of them. I think he designed them because no one can beat him. Alice suggested a movie and we all watched it." More like they watched the free porn show that Edward and I put on for them, but if that was the price I had to pay to get sex so be it, I'd do it all again in a heartbeat.

"What do you mean 'we'? I thought it was just you and Alice at the house?" Oops.

"It was at first, but then everyone came home. Esme made popcorn and cookies; it was a lot of fun." I could see him visibly relax when I said Esme. Truth was the only thing popped was my cherry last night!

"That's nice; she's a great mom to those kids. Some of the townsfolk need to take a page from her book." I heard him mumble 'like Newton.'

"I know and they really appreciate her and Carlisle. What time do you have to be at work?"

"I have to be there in an hour."

"Okay, that'll give me time to make something hot that you can take for lunch."

"You don't have to do that hun; I can grab a sandwich at the deli."

"Nonsense, I want to make sure you're eating right so I'm cooking you something. No arguments."

"No arguments here as you are an awesome cook. Why don't you invite Edward to dinner tonight and his brothers and sisters too?" Yeah, because that's always a good idea having Emmett at the dinner table. Even if he was human and could eat food, it still wouldn't be a good idea.

"I'll see if the other's can come, but I'm sure Edward would be delighted." I'm not sure how delighted he'll be, but at least he can eat without a problem and might as well take advantage of this opportunity.

I made my dad his favorite beef stew and wrapped it up for him to take with some bread. I also gave him some extra as I knew Mark would be there too and enjoyed when I'd send some for him.

I waved goodbye as he pulled out of the driveway and then headed upstairs. I unpacked my bag and hopped into the shower. As I cleaned myself up all I could think about was today's and last night's hottest showers I've ever had and that was because Edward was in them with me. Damn, these thoughts were making me horny and besides wasn't Edward supposed to be in here with me as he mentioned? Well since he's not, I think I need a little relief.

I quickly dried off and headed to my room wrapped in my towel. I pulled out the heated massage oil we nabbed from his parents bathroom and opened it. I wanted to know what is smelled like and thought it a good idea to read the directions. It had a nice woodsy aroma and I noted the warning to keep it away from your genitals. Well, no problem there for me as I only wanted something big and cold. I snapped it closed and grabbed my trusty rabbit from my drawer. Don't look at me that way, I needed it because the man was not putting out and I was ready to combust.

Dropping my towel on the floor, I hopped up on the bed and positioned myself in the middle, propping a pillow under my head and pulling my legs up and spreading them wide. I switched on the rabbit and started to run it over my breasts and then down to my folds. The sensation was wonderful, but the cold was missing. I decided to run down and grab a few ice cubes from the fridge. Once I settled myself down again I turned the speed up on the rabbit and rubbed it harder up and down then circling my clit touching the ice slightly as I went. I was starting to feel good and my eyes slid closed and I moaned. I then heard another moan, however, that wasn't from me. My eyes shot open to find Edward standing there palming himself and moaning.

"Oh babe, couldn't wait for me?" He grinned.

"Uh…mmm, no I was seriously a horny mess. You're not mad?"

"Not at all, I want to watch, continue." He dropped his shirt to the floor and once again he palmed himself which made me moan and move the rabbit over me.

"Fuck, you're gorgeous." He said.

"I need to see you, take your cock out."

"Shit! You didn't just say that." His pants hit the floor and I moaned a 'fuck' out when I realized he was going commando.

"Wrap your hand around yourself, pretend it's me and stroke your cock as I would." He did as I asked and started stroking in time to my movements and before long we were both falling over the edge.

"Fuck Edward, I'm going to cum, cum with me Edward."

"Shit Bella, so good, I'm cumming." Before I came down from my high Edward was at my side pulling me into his arms and kissing me deeply.

"Oh god Edward, that was hot!"

"You have no idea love, but as hot as that was, I still prefer your hot hand or lips on my cock or to be buried balls deep inside you." I couldn't help but shiver at his declaration.

"And I prefer your cold hard cock inside me. This warm thing is a poor substitute." I smiled and reached down between us to rub my man's icicle.

"Ah hell, I love you babe and my icicle needs a little warming." He laughed as he flipped me over and slid his icicle into me. I wrapped my legs around him pulling him into me. I wanted to feel as much skin on skin as I could.

"Fuck, faster Edward…oh…yes…my…man…" I started moaning as he increased his speed and angled just right so it was hitting that special spot inside me. The man was a sex machine god and he didn't even know it. It didn't take long and I could feel the coil in me and I could feel the tenseness of Edward and knew he was there too.

"Cum with me Bella, I can feel you gripping my icicle and he's ready to blow his cubes. Cum." He reached down to pinch me and another orgasm ripped through me like lightening. I could feel the heat as his cool venom released inside me.

"Oh…yes...so good." He practically collapsed on me and I was more than happy to feel the weight of him on me.

"Wow, it gets better every time." He said and I laughed, but he was looking at me oddly.

"Well, you say that like it's a surprise. I thought with all the minds you've read over the years you'd know that it does. And before you start, I read about that on the internet." I know he tends to jump to conclusions, so best to head him off at the pass.

"You know me so well, but I tried not to listen to everyone. It became too much so I block them out." I guess I'd have done the same thing.

"So how much more time do we have before we go to lunch and then have to meet with Carlisle?" Lunch I was looking forward to, but the discussion with Carlisle, not so much.

"We have time for a few more things?" He wiggled his eyebrows at me, and then whispered in my ear. "Like maybe a blowjob?"

My eyes went wide in shock. Did he just say that out loud, on purpose? He actually wants one?

"Ummm…I guess that was rude and inappropriate." He blushed and I knew I needed to derail that train.

"Not at all. Edward Cullen, do not get yourself all worked up about inappropriateness when it comes to us having sex or wanting something sexual. We need to be honest and open about it so our relationship and sex life can grow." I firmly stated.

"So you're okay with it."

"I'm more than okay with it. In fact, I'm happy that you want me to do it because it shows me that you enjoyed it. I was a little worried I wouldn't be good and you'd hate it." I looked down, but he put his finger under my chin to bring it up to look into his eyes.

"Oh I enjoyed it, A LOT! You were beyond good." I was deliriously happy to hear that.

"I enjoyed doing it for you and it turned me on like you shouldn't know." I smiled.

"So we can?"

"Yes, but first I want to start with the heated massage oil. I've been dying to use it, so flip over on your front for me."

"You brought that with you?"

"Sure since I knew we'd never make the whole day without jumping on one another I thought we should have something here." That and I figured Esme wouldn't find it while cleaning up his room. That would be totally embarrassing.

He flipped over and I straddled his legs. I poured some oil into my hands and rubbed them together just like I read about before gliding them over his back and down his arms.

"How does it feel? Can you feel my hands? Should I do it harder?" I heard him moan as he shifted his hips on the bed making me shift across his legs.

"Love it feels divine and it's the perfect pressure. This heat is incredible, but not better than when you lay on me."

"I've always wanted to lay on you Edward; you just wouldn't allow it so I took what I could when we'd run anywhere."

"Is that why you were always insisting on trips into the woods?" He lifted his head to look at me and I squeezed his ass in response eliciting a purr.

"Absolutely." I wasn't ashamed to admit it. "I was happy to ride you any way possible." I smiled.

"Fuck."

"Flip over babe." He flipped over and his icicle was standing tall dripping slightly. I put more oil on my hands, but before I started to massage his front, I licked that drip.

I moved up and down his arms before moving to that sculpted chest. I may have moaned out loud several times, but was being slightly drowned out by Edward's purrowling. Damn that was sexy as hell and to think I could make him do that!

I took a little extra time on his six-pack, and then moved along the happy trail to my promised land.

"This feels so good Bella; the heat is crazy combined with your heated hands." I smiled, but before I continued with his request, I remembered the directions and had to wipe my hands. I quickly hopped off the bed, grabbed the towel and hopped back on him settling in between his muscular legs. "Love?"

"The directions said to keep away from your genitals."

"Oh..." was all he got out as I ran my tongue up his shaft and twirled it around his tip.

"Holy Hell!" I felt empowered as I continued taking him deeper and deeper into my mouth and sucking harder on each upstroke. Edward was practically writhing on the bed and I could feel him twitching in my mouth.

"YES, love suck me, oh I love your hot lips on my cock, suck my cock harder." He yelled out and I decided it was now or never. I did as I read online, I breathed out my nose, relaxed my throat and moved down taking him all in and moaned as I fondled the boys. They really need a name.

"FUCK!" He screamed as he twitched and came. I slowly moved back up his cock and when I came to the tip licked my tongue right up the center slit and to my surprise he came again. I took all he gave me and kissed his tip before moving back to cuddle with my man who was panting like a race horse and fuck if he wasn't hung like one. A girls dream is all I have to say.

We lay there wrapped around one another for a while before we could manage to speak.

"So that was okay?" I asked.

"Okay, okay? Are you serious, that was way more than okay. I can't even begin to describe how wonderful, exhilarating, fantastic…."

"I get the idea, you enjoyed it immensely." I laughed.

"Yes, and now I think we need to shower before we go to lunch and then meet with Carlisle."

"So not looking forward to that discussion." I cringed at the thought of what could transpire during course of that little talk.

"Me either sweetheart, but it's not like we're going to be talking to Emmett. He just wants the basic information; the scientist in him can't help it." That was true, but still whose father sits down with their son and girlfriend to find out how having sex went and asks for details on how great it had been or what they did. I could just imagine doing that with Charlie. I'd end up having to throw myself over Edward to protect him. Definitely not a conversation for dad's.

"I know, but it's going to be mortifying."

"I agree. I never thought I would even have sex let alone have to talk about it with anyone."

"Well since we're talking, I have a question."

"Go ahead, you can ask me anything."

"Well you came twice in a matter of seconds. Was that quick recovery or something else? It kind of surprised me."

"I really have no idea. I guess we could ask Carlisle." I looked at him warily. "We don't have to tell him what we were doing if we phrase it right."

"Okay, that sounds better. So how about that shower?" I wriggled my eyebrows at him.

"Your good shower samaritan is at your service milady. I'm sorry I was derelict in my duties earlier, but coming upon you on the bed in such a state was so much better than the shower." He laughed.

"You're such a sweet talker Edward Cullen, now come on I'm hungry and I want to go to lunch so that later on this afternoon we can have some dessert." I wiggled my eyebrows at him.

"Is that so, but I'll be the one having dessert first this afternoon." He informed me and I couldn't wait.

I pulled him off the bed and we showered quickly, but not before having a quickie in the shower. We dressed and headed out to Port Angeles for lunch. I was so excited that we were having a normal lunch date, something I know he was looking forward to; he really wanted to have that human experience with me.

**A/N: **Please review and receive a cookie from Santa! Or better yet, if you review I'll send you a menu item from the Vamp & Were's Place story with an explanation as to where it might've come from if there is one!

Thanks to Dil9 for pre-reading this for me and you should check her stories out, they're amazing.

Also, I'm writing another story for the Toys for Tots compilation this year with Dil9, so for as little as $5 you'll be one of the first to read Vamp & Were's Place. Emmett watches too much Food Network with Seth and they decide to open a vampire and werewolf themed restaurant, only they go a bit too far, big surprise right. The Voluri are invited to the pre-opening, Bella & Edward end up with an addiction (something funny), and there are some interesting illegal-ish activities of sorts that are going on to serve the diverse guests. Please go over to: christmas wishes compilation . blog spot . com (remove the spaces) to make your donation to a worthy cause.


	15. Eating Until Your Heart's Content

**Disclaimer: ****I don't own Twilight, but Stephenie Meyers does. I do own Melvin and the story idea.**

**Moose on the Loose**

**Chapter 15 – Eating Until Your Heart's Content**

**Edward's POV**

I seriously didn't want to leave the house to eat; I would've happily stayed in bed all day long. Well, at least until Charlie came home and we had to act proper. Although, I was hungry as well, and so excited to take my Bella out for a meal where I could partake.

As we drove to Port Angeles, I held her hand and we talked about everything and nothing at all. It was wonderful. I pulled up to Bella Italia, parked and ran around to open Bella's door. As we walked up into the restaurant, I slipped my arm around her waist and her arm went automatically around me as she melted against me. That small action made me feel cherished. I never before considered what the others in my family really had felt, but now I truly understood. It was much more than being made for one another, it was sharing, caring and having someone to turn to that would understand you perfectly.

We walked into the restaurant, I gave our name and we were seated.

"You know the hostess was giving you the eye?"

"What? I didn't notice anything. Besides I only want you to give me the eye." I smile and pecked her luscious lips.

"You're so sweet," she said with a huge smile on her face and rubbed my cheek.

"So what are you going to have?"

"Same as last time, mushroom ravioli."

"There is so much here, that I want to try it all while I have the opportunity."

"Well why don't you get a few things, you don't have to eat them all. We could share?"

"Hmmm, didn't consider that, but that's an excellent idea." The waiter came over and asked what we wanted. But it didn't escape my notice that he was eyeing my Bella who didn't give him the time of day, which made my day.

After he left, she leaned over and asked, "are you sure you're going to be able to eat so many things?"

"Sure, why not." I can't imagine why I wouldn't be able to eat or taste what I ordered. It's not like I ordered much.

"Okay, just wondering. So do we really have to talk to Carlisle?" She asked me scrunching up her cute little nose.

"Unfortunately yes, and it's probably best to get it over with like pulling a band-aid off. Otherwise, I'm afraid he'll hound us. Sometimes Carlisle gets so excited over new discoveries that he forgets about everything else."

"Oh, I just kind of hoped we could slip away and, you know…" She wiggled her eyebrows at me and hot damn if Big Ed didn't do some wiggling himself.

"Hmmm, maybe we can just be a little late?"

"Works for me," she said as she bit her lip, giving me the look. The look that said we were going to be a lot late.

Finally our food arrived. "Oh my god, this is good." I moaned as I ate the steak, baked potato, pasta with garlic sauce, some of Bella's ravioli and chicken marsela.

"I know." Bella giggled as I continued to sample all the delicious food. I even ordered a few more things.

"Excuse me folks, but would you like dessert?" The waiter asked and all I could think about was chocolate cake.

"Yes."

"No."

He looked at us confused. "Yes, I'll have dessert, the chocolate cake, ice cream, apple pie, tiramisu and crème brulee." I quickly stated.

"And you ma'am?"

"Ummm…well…just bring me a fork and spoon. I'll share his."

"Okay," he said and walked away thinking_, this guy is going to puke on his date and then maybe I'll have a chance with her_. Never happening buddy and I felt the slight rumbling in my chest.

"What's the matter, Edward? Why are you growling?" She whispered leaning over and rubbing my thigh.

"He was thinking how he was going to have a chance at you when I get sick from eating everything."

She looked at me with wide eyes and gasped. "Never happening, Edward. I'm yours and you're mine. You know this, pay him no mind." Her other hand caressed my cheek and I leaned into it nuzzling myself against her palm.

"I know. It's weird though, never before have I felt these overwhelming feelings of possession. Yes, I've felt them ever since that day I stopped the van, but now they seem to be much more pronounced. I guess I'm going to have to ask Carlisle about this, so maybe it's a good thing we're going to talk to him." I had to admit that we just might need this talk.

"Hey, if it makes you feel any better, when the hostess was giving you the eye, I wanted to pounce on her ass. I wanted to poke her eyes out and then wrap myself around your body to protect it from prying eyes." Bella admitted blushing and now I knew for a fact we needed the talk.

"Wow, I never thought you'd have such intense feelings." It truly surprised me.

"I guess it's not just a vampire thing."

"Guess not." I confirmed kissing her lips which quickly turned hot and heavy. Her hands slid into my hair and mine around her waist pulling her into me.

"Ahemm…Ahemm…" We looked up to see our waiter and another holding all the desserts. He put them down in front of me and Bella, then quickly left thinking _'how inappropriate I was, but that he could do better.'_ I had to refrain from growling as I didn't want to scare Bella and she did tell me to pay him no mind. I'll take my woman's advice.

"These look great." I said as I grabbed my fork and dug into the chocolate cake. "Mmmmm, this is so good, you have to taste it." I took a forkful with a little whip cream and offered it to Bella. She opened her mouth and wrapped her lips around the cake.

"Mmmmmm, I agree." She stated and there was a bit of cream on her lip which I quickly kissed off her lips.

"I agree, delicious, even more so from your lips my love."

"You're so cheesy sometimes, but I love you anyway." She laughed, making me laugh too. It was definitely a sound I enjoyed.

I tasted all the desserts figuring it best not to actually eat them all like I wanted just in case it might cause me to get sick. I didn't want the waiter's thoughts to come to fruition. After I paid the bill, we walked outside, it was such a nice day that it was a shame to have to leave so soon.

"How about we go for a short walk and maybe pick some things up for dinner tonight at the market?" I was kind of excited about going to the market. I had been with Esme many times, but this was different, I was going to be able to really pick stuff out that I would eat.

"That sounds great."

We walked around for a bit before going to the market and as we walked down the street we window shopped. We stopped in front of this interesting little antique shop where I noticed Bella looking at something.

"Do you see something you like?" I would hope she would tell me. I know she doesn't like me to buy things, but I hoped that maybe she would make an exception this time.

"Yes, that antique locket is so pretty and unique." She pointed to a heart shaped locket in the window that reminded me of something my mother wore. Whoa, that was weird that I had a flash of my mother wearing a deep blue dress with lace and a locket around her neck.

"Why don't we go inside and look at it." I really wanted to see if it would cause another flashback.

"Ummm…you don't need to buy it. I just thought it was pretty." She looked at me with those doe eyes. Aw Bella, how could you expect me to not buy it when you look at me like that?

"I know, but I just want to look at it. When you pointed it out I think I had a memory flashback of my mother."

"Oh, really, well, let's go inside then." Okay, that was easier than I thought.

"Excuse me ma'am, can we see the locket in the window?"

"Absolutely, it's a lovely piece I just acquired from a friend in New York who bought it in a box of things from a garage sale of all things. Can you imagine it being tossed in a box of books and things? By the way my name is Jean; I run this store with my husband Jeff. We'll be celebrating our fiftieth wedding anniversary next month." She rambled on as she pulled it from the window and placed it in front of us on a black velvet pad.

"It's beautiful," Bella said while stroking her fingers across the chain then the heart itself.

"Edward, Edward? Are you okay?" I heard.

"What?" I looked at Bella.

"Well you sort of zoned out there for a moment."

"Oh, I just had another memory. Ma'am, please wrap it up, I'll take it." I pulled out my credit card to pay.

"Such a nice young man you have there dear. Hold onto him, he's a keeper," she said to Bella patting her hand.

"Oh, I intend to, he's just the sweetest, caring, loving fiancé ever." I could feel a bit of a purr coming on at her declaration.

"Fiancé, oh my, how wonderful." She turned back to us. "And look how he's blushing, isn't he adorable." Wait until I tell Em I'm adorable. Okay… maybe not. "Let me have your hand dear." She wiggled her fingers for Bella to bring up her left hand.

I was waiting with great anticipation to hear what she would have to say about the ring, my mother's ring. She gingerly took Bella's hand in hers and turned it this way and that.

"My dear this is a stunning ring, colorless, flawless and I'd say about two carats in total. Incredible really, you almost never see these turn of the century rings anymore. Most have been dismantled for their stones."

I'm sure I looked like a gaping fish. How did she know all this without the aid of a loop?

"How can you tell without…" I had to ask.

"When you have been doing this for as long as I have young man, there's no need for aids. So where in the world did you buy this ring?"

"He didn't buy it. It was his mother's…well now mine." Bella responded proudly which made me feel a warmth run through me. I wonder what that was?

"How lovely, a family heirloom, my isn't that just so romantic." Jean gushed.

"My Edward is very romantic. In fact, we just had a very romantic lunch." Bella looked up at me and I couldn't hold back, I kissed her firmly on the lips.

"I love you, Bella."

"I love you, Edward."

"Aren't you two sweet. Now, here's your necklace Bella, and Edward just sign here." I quickly signed my name and Bella took the bag, but before we left Jean did something unexpected.

She ran around the counter and hugged us. "You two don't be strangers, come back and visit me soon. I can tell that you'll be together forever." Forever is a given more or less, but clearly I've lost my scare factor. I hope Em doesn't find out or maybe I need to ask him to teach me to be scary. Although, I could always ask Jasper, he likes being scary, freaks Newton out on a regular basis which I may or may not find quite amusing. Oh, who am I kidding it's a riot, but I'd never tell Bella that or admit to knowing Jasper does it.

"Of course we will visit next time we're in town." Bella told her snuggling into me. "He's my forever." Again, warmth spread through me.

"Bye, Jean," I said as I pulled Bella from the store since the purring in my chest was starting and I knew I couldn't hold it back. I didn't think it wise to let Jean hear it. Who knows what she'd think.

We walked a few feet down the street before Bella turned and pulled me into her arms, wrapping herself firmly around me.

"Are you okay? I can feel you're purring again." She rubbed her hands up and down my back.

"Again? You felt the first one while we were in the store?"

"Yes."

"How is that even possible?"

"I don't know, but if I were to guess, I'd say that it's because we're so in tune with one another."

"Huh, I think you might be right." Yet another question to pile on the list of all the others I have for Carlisle. He's going to be beside himself.

"Did you have another flashback in the store?" She asked while still wrapped around me.

"Yes. It was of my mother again, but this time we were out Christmas shopping. We were looking at pocket watches. It must've been a gift for my father and I was helping her pick it out. I remember holding her hand as we walked to the jewelry store. She was wearing a green silk dress that matched her eyes and accented her hair. You know I think I got my hair color from my mother because her hair looked just like mine."

"You should ask Carlisle, I bet he'll remember since he took care of both of you." I smiled, my woman was smart.

"I definitely will this afternoon. I'm feeling good now, let's hit the market."

"Sounds good."

I kissed her soundly on the lips before pulling back so we could head to the market.

**A/N: **Please review and Edward might share his dessert with you! On the plus side, I've finished the next chapter. This one took me almost a month to write, I was just not feeling funny, but my funny bone is back.

Thank you Dil9 for pre-reading.

**Up next: **This little vampire went to market….. Food shopping will never be the same again.

Rec: Devilswriter has a story Knoxville www . fanfiction s/ 8251521 /1/ Knoxville (remove spaces) which I'm really enjoying, well I'm one of two people reading it, so please go over and give it a try and some love.


	16. This Little Vampire went to Market…

**Disclaimer: ****I don't own Twilight, but SM does. I don't own Oreo's or any other brand name cookies in here, but have eaten most of them. I do own Melvin and the story idea.**

**Moose on the Loose**

**Chapter 17 – This Little Vampire went to Market…the Human Wished She Stayed Home.**

Here's a little ditty I came up with after I wrote the chapter which gives you a good prelude of things to come!

This little vampire went to market,

This little human wished she stayed home,

This little vampire bought a ton of beef,

Those other little vampires at home had wanted none,

And this little vampire cried cumming, cumming, cumming on the way home.

**Bella's POV**

After holding my mate and snuggling with him, I noticed how he was now okay. It was as if I could actually feel what he was feeling and know what to do to make it all better. The same thing happened in the store but when I felt he was going to start purring, I grabbed his hand and stroked his palm with small circles with my thumb.

I wasn't really sure what was happening, but knew that we did have to talk to Carlisle, because maybe he can tell me how I knew, and what were the signs of something like this happening or what brought it on. I was scared that if something happened that I wouldn't be prepared for it. If I knew, I would be able to handle it better.

"Come on love, let's get to the market." My very excited vampire who could now eat…as in regular people food eat…not vampire snacking animals, pulled me along as we speed walked to the supermarket.

"Someone's excited." I smiled at him.

"You bet, I can EAT! I can't wait to pick stuff out. I've done this with Esme, but we never ate the stuff. This will be so different." A huge excited grin was plastered across his face.

We arrived at the store in no time since I think he was one step away from tossing me on his back and flying there. No, he can't fly…well I hope not…please no more side effects from the drunk moose.

"So how many carts do we need, four or five?" He innocently asked.

"What?" I gasped and I'm sure my eyes were wide as dinner plates. "FIVE? How much do you think we're going to need?"

"Ummm…I…I don't know, but usually that's how much Esme buys."

"Oh." Relief spread over me. "We really don't need that much; remember she's buying for seven people, three of which are growing teenage boys." I laughed.

"I do grow you know." He seductively whispered to me. I felt the heat run through me and I'm sure I was bright red.

"Quite big and hard too." I whispered back and to my great amusement when I looked at him, he was blushing too. Damn if I didn't want to drag him behind the string beans and do him. The man was too sexy for his shirt, jeans, shoes, socks and boxer shorts…yummm, no boxer shorts…yes…Edward with nothing on. Oh my god, I need to stop this otherwise we will be doing it behind the string beans or right here.

"I'll be glad to show you later."

"I'll hold you to that, now let's get inside and one cart will do."

Edward selected a cart and we headed inside. The first aisle held fruits and vegetables. I started looking at the cantaloupe, smelling it, feeling the outside and knocking on the outside with my knuckles.

"Uhh…love what are you doing?" A very puzzled looking vampire stared at me.

"I'm checking for ripeness. It has a certain scent and sound when you hit it. Here listen; this is what it sounds like when it's good." I tapped it.

"Can I try?"

"Here try it with this one." I selected one and let him give it a go. He tapped it once. "A little harder sweetheart."

"That's what you said last night." He grinned at me.

"Wise ass, focus on the melon." Hmmm, his ass was nice, crap, I needed to focus too.

"I'd rather focus on your melons." He tapped it harder. "Shit, oh, damn. What do we do?" I refrained from groaning as his fingers plunged into the melon, wishing it was me. I wanted to scream 'DO ME.'

"Uh…uuh…here give it to me. Why don't you go over to the meat counter and get some steaks. I'll finish up getting the veggies." I quickly grabbed the melon and sat it back on our cart upside down hiding the finger holes. Damn, we'll have to buy it now. We didn't want anyone trying to figure out how the fruit ended up with the holes.

"But before you go, let's see how you did."

"What do you mean?" I devilishly looked at him and then quickly pulled his hand up to my face sucking the juice off his fingers. I felt him shudder.

"Nice and ripe, excellent job, must be the vegetarian lifestyle you tend to lead."

"Baa…baab…babe, I'd suggest I go get the meat before my meat is fully exposed to all the shoppers and drives itself into your ripeness." He was breathing hard and I wasn't too well off either.

"Yea…yeah…go get the meat." I want my meat later. "Take the cart." He needed it to help hide his growth spurt of meatie goodness.

I turned around since watching him walk away probably wouldn't be a good idea. I was very hot and very bothered enough as it was. So watching his sexy self was not a good idea. I leaned over grabbing something and fanned myself. When I felt sufficiently cool, I looked at it. SHIT! I almost screamed, dropping the bag of string beans immediately.

Okay, distraction, what do we need for tonight? Potatoes, yes, they'll do nicely. I selected some corn on the cob and strawberries. They would be nice for dessert with whipped cream. I'll make it fresh. Mmmmm, eating whipped cream off Edward, him feeding me strawberries, us sharing them in bed. I need to get away from this area; clearly it's a vortex of sexual lust with all this fresh food. Who would've thought it could be that sexually charged. Or maybe it was just me who hasn't gotten my fill. Since Edward held out for so long I've got a lot of time to make up for. Yeah, that's the ticket; I'm going with that one.

I headed to the back to find Edward and as I was walking down the aisle he excitedly came running towards me.

"Edward? Everything okay?"

"It's great! Look I got Oreo's and animal crackers, they came out when I was a kid and look Lorna Doones. I've always wanted to try the doubled stuffed Oreo's, chocolate chip soft batch, ones with M&M's and peanut butter, snickerdoodles and these chocolate covered peanut butter ones."

"Yeah, of course." There were at least fifteen boxes of cookies in the cart, but I wasn't about to burst his bubble. He wanted to try them. "Did you get the meat?"

"Right here. The butcher suggested a few other things, so I got them too." That's when I noticed eight largely wrapped bundles containing the meat. I'm not sure what he selected, but Charlie was going to be in hog heaven and probably go into a meat induced coma after eating all this.

"We need to go down the other aisles to see what they have."

"Okaaaay." I was dumbfounded.

We went down a few more aisles and the cart was rapidly filling up and now we were in the one with the candy.

"Oh, we definitely need this and I've been wanting to have a Hershey bar, peeps too."

"Edward, honey." I moved next to him rubbing his arm. "Maybe you should leave a few things for Esme to buy for the house. You know she was so excited that you were eating again." I hoped that might slow him down.

"Yes, you're right; we do need to leave some things. I know, I'll just look and text Esme a few things I want, I'm sure that'll make her really happy."

"That definitely will." I smiled and I know Esme will be beside herself.

After a few more aisles and several texts later, we headed to the checkout. Our cart was overflowing and this was with Edward having slowed down. I can't imagine what he would've bought if I didn't slow him down.

We worked together getting the stuff on the belt for the cashier to ring up. Things went smoothly and the kid bagged stuff and put it back in our cart. I dug in my bag to get my wallet to pay. I looked up to see the total and gasped.

"Excuse me, that can't be right."

"I assure you ma'am it's right." The cashier said.

"But how could this cost $425?" I waved my hands towards the cart.

"Well the meat alone was about $200."

"Whaaat? Edward, what kind of meat did you buy?"

"Just the usual, some angus steaks, chop meat, oh and these great filet mignons."

"Filet mignon?"

"Yes, the butcher said it was the best and I figured it'd be a nice treat for Charlie and you too." Oh my god, the guy sold him the most expensive meat there is.

"Oh."

"Was it the wrong kind?" He looked worried that he had done something wrong. He needed to know that he did nothing wrong.

"No not at all. It's fine; you did a great job selecting the meat and other things." He smiled that crooked smile at me and I was a gonner. How do I tell him that I don't have that kind of money with me. "I just…ju…just don't have enough…well…ummm…"

"Come on let's go."

"But I need to pay?" With what I had no idea. Did they take I.O.U.'s? Maybe a nice smile?

"I just did while we were talking." How did I miss that? "Now, did you think I was going to come to your home without anything in hand after being invited to a lovely home cooked meal by my fiancée? And since I can't buy beer, this was the next best thing."

"Thank you, that was very sweet." I breathed a sigh of relief and smiled to let him know I did really appreciate it. He grabbed my hand and we headed out together.

After everything was loaded in the car, which barely fit in the trunk, we drove out of the lot and onto the main road. We only got four blocks before he pulled into another lot and I looked up to see the golden arches.

"Edward, what are we doing?" Surely he can't be hungry.

"I'm dying for a big mac and french fries. You, know two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun." He sang, I looked at him. "Sorry, 1974 was a very sunny year and Em had us all watching TV. He was singing that song all the time, so it stuck in my head." I could understand that.

"What did you guys watch?"

"You had to see he had us all hooked on different shows he liked. For Jasper it was MASH, Alice loved Happy Days. She went so far as digging out her poodle skirts and dancing after the show. It was quite funny and sometimes we'd join in."

"You danced."

"I did, it was fun and Esme asked since Carlisle was working." He shrugged.

"Alice also loved that show 'Alice' because Alice worked in a diner and that's where she met Jasper." I could see that. "Jasper would even come and join her to watch it."

"That's sweet. I bet we'll look at shows taking place in high schools and think about where we met too someday." I thought about how Alice felt and understood perfectly the reminiscing.

"I know biology will never be as exciting as it was that day you walked into the room and into my life." Funny how he can look back on that day and call it exciting when he wanted to eat me and not in a good way either.

"What was Rose, Carlisle, Esme and Em's favorites?" I just couldn't wait to hear.

"Esme's was Charlie's Angels; she insisted that she and the girls could totally be them. And, Rose's was the Bionic Woman, said that could be her now." I had to laugh; I could just see Rose thinking that.

"What about Carlisle?"

"Oh, he was resistant at first, but Em wheedled his way in by telling him about this great doctor show Marcus Welby MD, that it could be him and the young assistant doctor could be me."

"Well the young doctor was a bit of a hottie and drove a very cool for the time motorcycle. You could totally pull that off." Man could he.

"You know about that show? I could pull it off." He smiled.

"Reruns. Besides when you live in Phoenix and the temperature outside is a hundred and five, you stay inside in the air conditioning. I had plenty of time to watch them."

"Never thought about it that way. You know he started watching that and before you knew it he was hooked on all the medical shows. There were quite a few then as it was part of that cycle where that type of show there were many. Sometimes the cycle is police, investigators or lawyers. He was so hooked on that show Emergency because it was something really new; people never realized that an ambulance didn't do more than transport you to the hospital back then. The EMT's were few and far between and it was also the start of pushing to have more of them and more training. No one was allowed to talk during the show."

"What about Em?" I loved learning all these things about my new family.

"He loved everything, especially SNL since that was their heyday. You have no idea what we went through after the Landshark skit. He would ring the doorbell of the house and when Esme asked who it was, he said candygram. Esme asked who sent her a candygram, but then the curiosity got the better of her and she opened the door to Em in a shark outfit. Naturally, she didn't know it was him at the time and screamed. Carlisle came running down the stairs and went right through the front door to get in front of her."

"Oh my god that is a riot. But when did they figure out it was Em."

"When the shark started laughing and then we all started laughing because no one figured out that sharks don't come on land and we're vampires who could've easily killed it. Of course, The Six Million Dollar Man was his ultimate favorite as he insisted he was worth that at least and Bionic Woman needed to have her man. You should've seen him doing the slow motion run in the house, it was seriously funny."

"I bet it was. I should ask him to do it for me sometime."

"Not if you don't want to have to watch the shows with him. He has recordings of a lot of them. We had a VCR back then. Do you want anything?"

I found myself saying, "Yes, I'll have a vanilla shake. They're really good from here, made with real milk and taste like ice cream. I love them." I licked my lips thinking about it.

"A shake for milady." And proceeded to wiggle himself in the seat which made me laugh.

"You're such a goof." This was really fun.

He ordered a few things, plus my shake. We pulled over for a moment and he wolfed down the big mac and fries, heading back on the road towards home.

"God this is good." I moaned sucking the creamy goodness up the straw. "Mmmmm."

I glanced over to see Edward shudder. I popped the straw out of my mouth, but a drip formed on my lips as I swallowed.

"UGGGGGGMMMMM." Edward groaned and leaned over licking the cream off my lips.

"Fuck." I whisper and watched him try to adjust himself. That wasn't happening since I could tell he was fully erect. The only thing that was going to help was a full-fledged escape. Hmm, maybe I could help with that.

I decided to tease him just a little bit more. I wrapped my lips around the red striped straw sucking then releasing it all the while keeping an eye on my man. The final straw was when I licked the straw. He wiped his forehead and I knew it was now or never.

Reaching over the console I rubbed his leg a little before quickly undoing the button and zipper.

"Bella, what are you doing?"

"You seem to have a problem here and I plan to remedy it. Dr. Swan is in the house." I confidently stated.

"I think I rather like Dr. Swan, she's quite beautiful." Slipping my hand in, I released him from the confines of his jeans. "What's the diagnosis, Dr. Swan, what can be done?"

"This is a very common problem among young men with beautiful fiancée's." I stroked his cock a bit. "It's 'turnedonitis'." I don't know how I kept a straight face, but I did.

"Turnedonitis, sounds serious Dr. Swan. Is there a cure?" He laughed as I continued to languidly stroke him.

"Yes." I licked the drop of venom that formed on his tip.

"FUCK!" He exclaimed.

"Not quite." I then licked him from base to tip and running my tongue along his slit before pulling back just a bit, "the cure is roadhead." I stated before taking him in fully and working my way back up to the tip swirling my tongue around it and back down.

"Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, so good babe, don't stop." As if I had any plans to, I dreamed of trying this out when I saw it on the internet during my cock sucking self-education course. It was amazing what was on the internet.

On the next pass up I made sure my tongue touched around the lip under the head of his cock. It was a nice sensitive spot.

He squirmed a little, pulling his pants down more.

"Mmmm." I moaned. I had come to find out that Edward loved it when I moaned around him. I felt his hand rubbing down my back and then he squeezed my ass a little making me moan more. Damn I was sopping wet with desire for this man. Well who could blame me with all the innuendo talk in the supermarket and me licking his fingers. Yeah, that wasn't the brightest idea, but who could help themselves. He was a tasty morsel after all.

"Yes babe, just like that suck me like a milkshake. I love being your straw." And I like sucking your straw sweetheart.

Down stroke taking more and more in, upstroke sucking and twirling. Gently moving my other hand, I now played with his balls.

His hand slipped into the back of my pants down past my ass and his fingers stroked my folds and clit. We were stroking in time like a rowing team down the river. I was racing to get my man to his finish.

I felt his hand move my hair aside while the other was busy in my pants. Boy did I love having him in my pants. "Ahh love, so beautiful, watching my cock slide in and out of your sweet pink lips." Then his hand was directing my head to where he wanted me and for the briefest of moments I wondered how he was driving, but when I felt his balls tighten, I knew he was close and all thoughts were focused on bringing him to a pleasurable release.

Doubling my efforts, I sucked hard on the last upstroke and ran my finger behind his balls. That's all it took and he was screaming my name.

"BELLLLA, FUCK, MY GODDESS!" He screamed and his body quivered as he released his venom into me. That's when I heard the purrowling, it was deep and the tone a little different this time.

I continued to suck him until I got every drop. Licking the tip one last time before I turned to him and said, "I think you're cured."

"I'm not convinced maybe you should take a test drive. You know, a ride, just to be sure." In a blink of an eye, he moved his seat all the way back, semi-reclined it and had me on his lap.

"A test drive, hmmmm, good idea. Hey, when did you pull over?" We were now sitting on the side of the road.

"Yeah, about that, I needed to use my hands on you, so figured it'd be safer."

"Good call." My dad would be happy about that. Okay, maybe not. "Now slit my pants down the middle seam by my pussy."

"Can't we just take them off?"

"This will be easier, like crotchless panties."

"Fuck, I'd like to see you in crotchless panties."

"Well get a rippin' then." I whispered into his ear and then bit down on his lobe.

"Shit." He exclaimed and slit the pants in one smooth move. I reached down between us to take his wooden oar in hand. Damn this quick recovery was awesome. I directed his cock to my opening, but not before sliding it back and forth between my desire filled lips.

Lining up and plunging down onto him, I couldn't hold it back. "FUCK! You feel so good. Fuck, I love how rock hard Big Ed is and how he feels inside me. He's the best, I love my Ed's."

"Ride me love, ride the Big Ed ride, harder, faster." He demanded as his nimble fingers undid my shirt buttons and he pulled down my bra cups so the girls were on display for him. Quickly he dove in sucking my hardened peaks into his mouth changing sides to give the girls equal attention.

"God Edward, I'm going to cum, babe, fuck yes." My hands went into his hair pulling him tighter against my chest as I felt myself tighten around Big Ed and came all over him. Two more trips down my man's oar and he was exploding into me. The cool feeling mingling with my heat created a delicious combination.

We slowed down, his lips met mine and we kissed slow and lovingly. I wasn't ready to lose the connection of having him in me yet and hoped that maybe he'd recover and we'd go another round. Then the strangest thing happened, I think I might have purred, but surely not, it must've been a moan.

I could hear Edward purrowling and then I purred. That time I knew it was definitely purring.

"Edward? Did I just…you…know…purr?"

"I guess you did. And before you ask I don't know why. It's another question to toss on the list."

"Okay." I snuggled up against him and let myself go. It seemed every time I would purr, he would purrowl and vice-versa. It was like a harmonic song that was something only we could create from our love and just for the two of us to share.

When he exclaimed, "Ahh crap, we're in trouble." I was worried.

I found myself all buttoned-up and back in the passenger seat. Edward tucked himself back in, moved his seat up and straightened out his shirt before handing me my shake, which I blushed at.

There was a knock on my car window that made me jump. I rolled the window down and looked out.

"Hello Bella, Edward." Shit we weren't just in your average I broke a window with a baseball trouble; we were in where was the FBI so we could go into witness protection trouble. I could change my name to Bella Peacock and Edward to Edward Lugosi. Yes, and when we married I'd be Bella Lugosi, how apropos.

**A/N: **Please review. So what did you think of that trip to the market? Who do you think is at the car window? And everyone knows that Bela Lugosi was the original handsome vampire, right?

Thank you to Dil9 for prereading and correcting my mistakes.

I entered a piece into the HEA contest on FF. There are some great stories over there, so go over if you're so inclined to read, vote or just have a good time. www . fanfiction ~twiheacontest (remove the spaces).


	17. Po…Po…Police

**Disclaimer: ****I don't own Twilight, but Stephenie Meyers does. I do own Melvin and the story idea.**

**Moose on the Loose**

**Chapter 17 – Po…Po…Police**

**Edward's POV**

_How in the world did I miss hearing his thoughts?_

I'm seriously slipping. I hope this isn't some side effect—that would suck big time and not in a good way, like just a few moments ago.

"Hey Mark, how are you doing?" Bella asked as she squeezed her legs closed to hide the rip in her pants.

"I'm doing great. How are you guys?" Mark was extremely nervous, so much so that his thoughts were all over the place and he wouldn't focus on any one in particular, so I had a hard time sifting to see what he was thinking about.

"We're doing fine, just coming back from lunch and food shopping." Yes, no need to mention the roadside medical treatment I just received Dr. Swan. I had to hold back a shudder at that thought and Bella's hand reached over and took mine in hers. "What about you?"

"Good, just on my way to work. How come you and Edward are on the side of the road? Car trouble?" Not likely with a new car.

This time I heard his full thoughts and cringed. _Please let it be car trouble, I don't think I could handle anything else. God please let them not have been screwing on the side of the road. Or worse yet, hope she wasn't giving him a bj. Not that that isn't fun, because when Mary and I do it, it's very exciting, the thrill of getting caught and all. Although, Charlie will kill me, him and Bella. I like my job and don't want to have Charlie's._

"Not at all, Mark, Edward's car is new." We're doomed by her admitting that. "I just dropped my engagement ring on the car floor and was freaking that I couldn't find it so Edward pulled over so we could look for it."

"Did you find it?" Damn how was she so calm under this type of interrogation? I'd be sweating buckets, well I kind of am since I've not said a word so far.

"Yes, it was all the way back under the seat. But now, it's right back on her hand where it belongs." I kissed her hand and showed it to Mark. I also gave him the smile that Bella always says dazzles her and what do you know it worked. Mark got a dreamy look on his face.

"That's good then and since you're okay, I'll be going. Take care."

"We will and thanks for checking on us." I breathed a sigh of relief when he started walking to his car, but then Bella called out to him and I worried he'd come back.

"Oh, Mark…" He turned to face us. "You better hurry up, I made stew, enough for both you and Charlie, but you know how he is."

"You sent enough for me? Thanks that was so sweet of you." Yes, my woman was sweet. "And you're right; the Chief has a big appetite. I'd better get there before it's gone. Thanks again."

As he walked away I heard him think. _That was a great lie, almost had me believing it. They were totally having sex now that I think about it. They were all rumpled and looking quite sated. Yes, a look that I see on Mary's face. Besides, why else would she have been on his lap like that, but the boy's got game saw me coming and got her in the passenger seat right quick._ I groaned, he knew. This was so not good.

"What's the matter, Edward?"

"He knew we were lying our asses off. Your dad is going to kill me. And to think he was just starting to like me." I threw my head back against the seat and rubbed my face.

I felt two warm hands pulling on my wrists to remove my hand from my face. Bella pulled them down and looked me directly in the eye.

"I highly doubt Mark is going to say anything at all."

"How can you be so sure?" Was she clairvoyant now too?

"There are a number of reasons; the main one is that he values his life as much as mine. He knows my dad would go nuts, and not only go after you, but the person that told him and me. Mark's a good guy, he likes me a lot. I feed him often and he's not going to want to lose that."

"Surely food isn't enough?" She was crazy to think food would be the answer.

"Between that and the fact that we're not in Forks at the moment."

"What?"

"Edward, take a look, we're still in Port Angeles. Mark has no jurisdiction here."

"It was a bit hard to notice that." I sheepishly admitted. "I was still riding the pleasure wave that you brought on." Bella blushed at my statement. "But he could still say something."

"He won't because if he does, I'll pull out the pouty face and go all 'daddy' on him telling him the ring story."

"Would that really work?" I had my doubts; it was sex we were talking about here, not some minor indiscretion of getting home late.

"Absolutely, you have no idea of the power of the 'daddy' word. Besides weren't you the one who told me once that Charlie would rather believe the lies that I feed him?" She smirked at me.

"That is true. Maybe we just don't do that again?" I couldn't believe my mouth said those words.

"Or maybe next time we're more careful of where we do it." Okay, that would be a good idea. God was I seriously thinking about doing that again? Yes, yes I was. "It was kind of exciting being out in the open like that, an adrenaline rush you might say."

She had at this point crawled back onto my lap and was stroking my face with her hands. I could smell the mixture of us and what we did. It was driving me wild.

"Ah, what the hell, I'm totally going to hell, so might as well make the devil proud." I laughed and kissed her firmly on the lips.

"I'll be coming with you so let's make him very proud." Bella smiled and I laughed.

"I wouldn't expect you to go anyplace without me. So hop on my love stick and take us for a ride." Consequences be damned, I was getting ridden.

She purred moving over me and helping get my pants down again. I purrowled in response as Big Ed sprung free, and moving her into the ride position before she sunk down onto us.

"Oh, god yes, Edward." She screamed out.

"Babe, you feel so good. Ride us hard."

She put her hands on my shoulders, moved her legs so she could spring them and started riding me.

I could hear a car horn beeping in the distance, but I paid it no mind. I had my woman on me and was making the devil proud.

"I'm there, Edward, are you?"

"Hell yes. Let go, Bella." And she did, squeezing Big Ed until he spewed forth his creamy goodness.

As we both caught our breaths, I realized that it was my car horn beeping! Bella was leaning back on it and must've been this whole time as she bounced on me. Good thing this road wasn't so busy.

I pulled her off it and against my chest. I felt warm and sated as I held her in my arms. Once again, I purrowled and she purred in response. I didn't know what that was all about, but we were sure to find out later. It wasn't long before I softened and slipped from her heat.

We quickly righted ourselves and I drove off.

"You know I forgot to ask you something before?"

"What's that, my love?"

"You never told me what your favorite show was back then. So what was it?"

"First, I did get sucked into the whole Marcus Welby thing, but, oh god this is embarrassing, my favorite was Kolchak, the Night Stalker." I loathed admitting that one.

"No way. You watched stuff about witches, vampires and werewolves, oh my!" She laughed.

"Yeah, I was sort of hooked after the first episode. It just happened to come on after another show we were watching. I don't know what possessed me to watch a show where they killed the supernatural." I really didn't. "Especially vampires."

"I do."

"Whaat?" How could she know?

"It was Emmett who possessed you. He has this way about him that moves in and takes over your mind." She smiled.

"Probably was since he was the culprit behind us all watching TV."

"Oh and I have a question for you, my love. Bella Lugosi? Really Bella, you'd want to change your name to a fictional vampire's name."

"You heard those thoughts?"

"Yeah, I did, and yet another question to pile on the list. So the name?" I persisted.

"Well, he was the original sexy vampire. And, you are the new and improved sexy vampire so it's only fitting."

"My god your mind is so crazy, I don't even know where to begin with that one. But, I agree I'm better and sexier." I grinned.

"Just don't tell Emmett that because he'd disagree and probably get all mopey." She giggled.

We laughed as we headed to Bella's house to drop off the groceries and clean up better. However, that just led to another round in the shower before we rinsed off. We just couldn't keep our hands off each other. We opted not to wash our hair to save time before heading off to the Carlisle Inquisition.

**A/N: **Please review and receive some roadside loving!

Thanks to Dil9 for pre-reading and correcting my mistakes.

And thank you to the anon reviewer who pointed out that I didn't mention the show that Edward liked.


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